Hippity-Hoppity Happy New Year

er.... that's it

Pointless Film Lists

Just because.... here's some notable best film type lists, with those I've seen in bold. I've been very good, and those I've only seen part of/ abandoned in sheer boredom/ fallen asleep while watching haven't been counted.

AFI's 100 YEARS...100 MOVIES

1. CITIZEN KANE (1941)
2. CASABLANCA (1942)
3. THE GODFATHER (1972)
4. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
5. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
6. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)
7. THE GRADUATE (1967)
8. ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
9. SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)
10. SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)
11. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
12. SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)
13. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957)
14. SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15. STAR WARS (1977)
16. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
17. THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)
18. PSYCHO (1960)
19. CHINATOWN (1974)
20. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)
21. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940)
22. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
23. THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)
24. RAGING BULL (1980)
25. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)
26. DR. STRANGELOVE (1964) (I know, I know, but I have a passionate hatred of Peter Sellers*, so I just can't face it, sorry)
27. BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)
28. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
29. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
30. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)
31. ANNIE HALL (1977)
32. THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)
33. HIGH NOON (1952)
34. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)
35. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
36. MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969) (I keep missing the majority of this when it's on TV. Fine soundtrack though)
37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946)
38. DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)
39. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965)
40. NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)
41. WEST SIDE STORY (1961)
42. REAR WINDOW (1954)
43. KING KONG (1933)
44. THE BIRTH OF A NATION (1915)
45. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE (1951)
46. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971)
47. TAXI DRIVER (1976)
48. JAWS (1975)
49. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
50. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)
51. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940) (number one on my list, fact fans)
52. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)
53. AMADEUS (1984)
54. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)
55. THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)
56. M*A*S*H (1970)
57. THE THIRD MAN (1949)
58. FANTASIA (1940)
59. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)
60. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
61. VERTIGO (1958) (number two on my list, and I'm amazed it's this low down)
62. TOOTSIE (1982)
63. STAGECOACH (1939) (not a big western fan)
64. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)
65. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)
66. NETWORK (1976)
67. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
68. AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)
69. SHANE (1953) (see Stagecoach)
70. THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971)
71. FORREST GUMP (1994)
72. BEN-HUR (1959)
73. WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)
74. THE GOLD RUSH (1925)
75. DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)
76. CITY LIGHTS (1931)
77. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
78. ROCKY (1976)
79. THE DEER HUNTER (1978)
80. THE WILD BUNCH (1969)
81. MODERN TIMES (1936)
82. GIANT (1956)
83. PLATOON (1986)
84. FARGO (1996)
85. DUCK SOUP (1933) (this needs to be rectified sharpish)
86. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)
87. FRANKENSTEIN (1931)
88. EASY RIDER (1969)
89. PATTON (1970)
90. THE JAZZ SINGER (1927)
91. MY FAIR LADY (1964)
92. A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)
93. THE APARTMENT (1960)
94. GOODFELLAS (1990)
95. PULP FICTION (1994)
96. THE SEARCHERS (1956) (I've tried to get through this a few times but I just can't do it - it's a western, it stars John Wayne, and I don't care if it's a classic, it bores me to tears)
97. BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
98. UNFORGIVEN (1992)
99. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967)
100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942) (some mistake surely...)

The BFI 100 List

1. The Third Man 1949.
2. Brief Encounter 1945.
3. Lawrence of Arabia 1962.
4. The 39 Steps 1935.
5. Great Expectations 1946.
6. Kind Hearts and Coronets 1949.
7. Kes 1969.
8. Don't Look Now 1973.
9. The Red Shoes 1948.
10. Trainspotting 1996.
11. The Bridge on the River Kwai 1957.
12. If 1968.
13. The Ladykillers 1955.
14. Saturday Night and Sunday Morning 1960.
15. Brighton Rock 1947.
16. Get Carter 1971.
17. The Lavender Hill Mob 1951.
18. Henry V 1944.
19. Chariots of Fire 1981.
20. A Matter of Life and Death 1946.
21. The Long Good Friday 1980.
22. The Servant 1963.
23. Four Weddings And A Funeral 1994.
24. Whisky Galore 1949. (the possibility of hideous fake Scottish accents has put me off this one)
25. The Full Monty 1997.
26. The Crying Game 1992.
27. Doctor Zhivago 1965.
28. Monty Python's Life of Brian 1979.
29. Withnail and I 1987.
30. Gregory's Girl 1980.
31. Zulu 1964.
32. Room at the Top 1958.
33. Alfie 1966.
34. Gandhi 1982.
35. The Lady Vanishes 1938.
36. The Italian Job 1969.
37. Local Hero 1983.
38. The Commitments 1991.
39. A Fish Called Wanda 1988.
40. Secrets & Lies 1995.
41. Dr No 1962.
42. The Madness of King George 1994.
43. A Man For All Seasons 1966.
44. Black Narcissus 1947 (this one jolly well ought to be higher up the list I reckon)
45. The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp 1943.
46. Oliver Twist 1948.
47. I'm All Right Jack 1959.
48. Performance 1970.
49. Shakespeare in Love 1998.
50. My Beautiful Laundrette 1985.
51. Tom Jones 1963.
52. This Sporting Life 1963.
53. My Left Foot 1989.
54. Brazil 1985.
55. The English Patient 1996.
56. A Taste of Honey 1961.
57. The Go-Between 1970.
58. The Man in the White Suit 1951. (I'd have this one higher up as well)
59. The Ipcress File 1965.
60. Blow Up 1966.
61. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner 1962.
62. Sense and Sensibility 1995. (this one, on the other hand...)
63. Passport to Pimlico 1949.
64. The Remains of the Day 1993.
65. Sunday, Bloody Sunday 1971.
66. The Railway Children 1970.
67. Mona Lisa 1986.
68. The Dam Busters 1955.
69. Hamlet 1948.
70. Goldfinger 1964.
71. Elizabeth 1998.
72. Goodbye Mr. Chips 1939.
73. A Room With A View 1985.
74. The Day of the Jackal 1973.
75. The Cruel Sea 1952.
76. Billy Liar 1963.
77. Oliver 1968.
78. Peeping Tom 1960.
79. Far From the madding Crowd 1967.
80. The Draughtsman's Contract 1982.
81. A Clockwork Orange 1971.
82. Distant Voices, Still Lives 1988.
83. Darling 1965.
84. Educating Rita 1983.
85. Brassed Off 1996.
86. Genevieve 1953.
87. Women in Love 1969.
88. A Hard Day's Night 1964.
89. Fires Were Started 1943.
90. Hope and Glory 1987.
91. My Name is Joe 1998.
92. In Which We Serve 1942.
93. Caravaggio 1986.
94. The Belles of St. Trinian's 1954
95. Life is Sweet 1990.
96. The Wicker Man 1973.
97. Nil By Mouth 1997.
98. Small Faces 1995.
99. Carry On Up The Khyber 1968.
100. The Killing Fields 1984.

The Times’ Best 100 French Films (divided into categories)

Modern Classics

Amélie (Le Fabuleux Destin D’amélie Poulain) (Jean-Pierre Jeunet, 2001)
Savage Nights (Les Nuits Fauves) (Cyril Collard, 1992)
Wild Reeds (Les Roseaux Sauvages) (André Téchiné, 1994)
Nelly And Mr Arnaud (Nelly & Monsieur Arnaud) (Claude Sautet, 1995, DVD region 1)
The Dream Life Of Angels (La Vie Rêvée Des Anges) (Erick Zonca, 1998)
Beau Travail (Claire Denis, 1999)
Time Regained (Le Temps Retrouvé) (Raoul Ruiz, 1999)
Fat Girl (À Ma Soeur!) (Catherine Breillat, 2001)
Time Out (L’emploi Du Temps) (Laurent Cantet, 2001)
The Dodge (L’esquive) (Abdellatif Kechiche, 2003)

Modern Cults

The Big Blue (Le Grand Bleu) (Luc Besson, 1988)
Delicatessen (Marc Caro & Jean-Pierre Jeunet, 1991)
City Of Lost Children (La Cité Des Enfants Perdus) (Marc Caro & Jean-Pierre Jeunet, 1995)
My Sex Life (Or How To Get Into An Argument) (Comment Je Me Suis Disputé . . . Ma Vie Sexuelle) (Arnaud Desplechin, 1996)
I Stand Alone (Seul Contre Tous) (Gaspar Noé, 1998)
The Dinner Game (Le Dîner De Cons) (Francis Veber, 1998)
Harry, He’s Here To Help (Harry, Un Ami Qui Vous Veut Du Bien) (Dominik Moll, 2000)
Demonlover (Olivier Assayas, 2002)
Belleville Rendez-Vous (Les Triplettes De Belleville) (Sylvain Chomet, 2003)
Hate (La Haine) (Mathieu Kassovitz, 1995, b/w)

Dramas

Grand Illusion (La Grande Illusion) (Jean Renoir, 1937, b/w)
Marius/Fanny/César (The Marseilles Trilogy) (Alexander Korda/Marc Allégret/ Marcel Pagnol, 1931/32/36, b/w)
The Wages Of Fear (Le Salaire De La Peur) (Henri-Georges Clouzot, 1953, b/w)
Pickpocket (Robert Bresson, 1959, b/w)
Army In The Shadows (L’armée Des Ombres) (Jean-Pierre Melville, 1969)
Vincent, François, Paul And The Others (Vincent, François, Paul Et Les Autres) (Claude Sautet, 1974,
A Sunday In The Country (Un Dimanche À La Campagne) (Bertrand Tavernier, 1984)
Au Revoir Les Enfants (Louis Malle, 1987)
The Three Colours Trilogy: Red, White And Blue (Trois Couleurs: Rouge, Blanc, & Bleu) (Krzysztof Kieslowski, 1993/ 1999)
Look At Me (Comme Une Image) (Agnès Jaoui, 2004)

Romances

The Children Of Paradise (Les Enfants Du Paradis) (Marcel Carné, 1945, b/w) (fan-flipping-tastic film)
L’atalante (Jean Vigo, 1934, b/w)
Beauty And The Beast (La Belle Et La Bête) (Jean Cocteau, 1946, b/w) (everyone makes a pilgrimage to Jean Cocteau's grave don't they? Only to find the little churchyard closed after a two hour detour? Just me then? Oh well...)
Madame De ... (Max Ophüls, 1953, b/w)
Jules And Jim (Jules Et Jim) (François Truffaut, 1962, b/w)
The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg (Les Parapluies De Cherbourg) (Jacques Demy, 1964)
A Man And A Woman (Un Homme Et Une Femme) (Claude Lelouch, 1966) (quite possibly the best film soundtrack ever)
Betty Blue (37˚ 2 Le Matin) (Jean-Jacques Beineix, 1986)
Cyrano De Bergerac (Jean-Paul Rappeneau, 1990)
Lovers On The Bridge (Les Amants Du Pont-Neuf) (Leos Carax, 1991)

Thrillers

The Butcher (Le Boucher) (Claude Chabrol, 1970)
Daybreak (Le Jour Se Lève) (Marcel Carné, 1939, b/w)
The Raven (Le Corbeau) (Henri-Georges Clouzot, 1943, b/w)
Diabolique (Les Diaboliques) (Henri-Georges Clouzot, 1955, b/w)
Eyes Without A Face (Les Yeux Sans Visage) (Georges Franju, 1959, b/w)
The Finger Man (Le Doulos) (Jean-Pierre Melville, 1962, b/w)
The Hole (Le Trou) (Jacques Becker, 1960, b/w)
Nikita (Luc Besson, 1990)
L’appartement (Gilles Mimouni, 1996)
Read My Lips (Sur Mes Lèvres) (Jacques Audiard, 2001)

Comedies

The Rules Of The Game (La Règle Du Jeu) (Jean Renoir, 1939, b/w)
The Crime Of Monsieur Lange (Le Crime De Monsieur Lange) (Jean Renoir, 1936, b/w)
Bizarre, Bizarre (Drôle De Drame) (Marcel Carné, 1937 b/w)
Mr Hulot’s Holiday (Les Vacances De M. Hulot) (Jacques Tati, 1951, b/w)
The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie (Le Charme Discret De La Bourgeoisie) (Luis Buñuel, 1972)
Making It (Les Valseuses) (Bertrand Blier, 1974)
Birds Of A Feather (La Cage Aux Folles) (Edouard Molinaro, 1978)
An Autumn Tale (Conte D’automne) (Eric Rohmer, 1998)
Other People’s Taste (Le Goût Des Autres) (Agnès Jaoui, 2000)
Ma Femme Est Une Actrice (My Wife Is An Actress) (Yvan Attal, 2001

Nouvelle Vague

Contempt (Le Mépris) (Jean-Luc Godard, 1963) (Godard's worst 60s film in my opinion. As they've got Bande A Part in another category, Weekend would have fitted here quite nicely)
Hiroshima Mon Amour (Alain Resnais, 1959, b/w)
The 400 Blows (Les Quatre Cents Coups) (François Truffaut, 1959, b/w) (only one Truffaut film in the list? Travesty!)
The Girls (Les Bonnes Femmes) (Claude Chabrol, 1960 b/w)
Last Year In Marienbad (L’année Dernière À Marienbad) (Alain Resnais, 1961, b/w)
The Young Girls Of Rochefort (Les Demoiselles De Rochefort) (Jacques Demy, 1967)
My Night With Maud (Ma Nuit Chez Maud) (Eric Rohmer, 1969, b/w,)
Celine And Julie Go Boating (Céline Et Julie Vont En Bateau) (Jacques Rivette, 1974)
Sunless (Sans Soleil) (Chris Marker)
Vagabond (Sans Toit Ni Loi) (Agnès Varda)

Landmarks

Voyage To The Moon (Le Voyage Dans La Lune) (Georges Méliès, 1902)
Arrival Of A Train At The Station (L’arrivée D’un Train À La Ciotat) (Louis Lumière, 1895, b/w)
Napoléon (Abel Gance, 1927, b/w)
The Passion Of Joan Of Arc (La Passion De Jeanne D’arc) (Carl Theodor Dreyer, 1927, b/w)
An Andalusian Dog (Un Chien Andalou) (Luis Buñuel, 1928, b/w)
The Sorrow And The Pity (Le Chagrin Et La Pitié) (Marcel Ophüls, 1969, b/w)
The Mother And The Whore (La Maman Et La Putain) (Jean Eustache, 1973, b/w)
Diva (Jean-Jacques Beineix, 1981)
To Our Loves (À Nos Amours) (Maurice Pialat, 1983)
Histoire(S) Du Cinema (Jean-Luc Godard, 1998)

Shorts

Entr’acte (René Clair, 1924, b/w)
Blood Of A Poet (Le Sang D’un Poète) (Jean Cocteau, 1930, b/w)
Zero For Conduct (Zero De Conduite) (Jean Vigo, 1933, b/w, DVD)
A Day In The Country (Une Partie De Campagne) (Jean Renoir, 1936 b/w)
Blood Of The Beasts (Le Sang Des Bêtes) (Georges Franju, 1949, b/w)
A Song Of Love (Un Chant D’amour) (Jean Genet, 1950, b/w)
Night And Fog (Nuit Et Brouillard) (Alain Resnais, 1955)
The Red Balloon (Le Ballon Rouge) (Albert Lamorrise, 1956)
The Jetty (La Jetée) (Chris Marker, 1962, b/w)
Real Cool Time (Ce Vieux Rêve Qui Bouge) (Alain Guiraudie, 2001)

Icons

Deneuve/Béart/Huppert/Ledoyen/Ardant/Darrieux/Sagnier/ Richard: 8 Women (Huit Femmes) (François Ozon, 2002) Jean Gabin: Pépé Le Moko (Julien Duvivier, 1937, b/w)
Brigitte Bardot: And God Created Woman (Et Dieu . . . Créa La Femme) (Roger Vadim, 1956)
Jeanne Moreau: Lift To The Scaffold (Ascenseur Pour L’échafaud) (Louis Malle, 1958, b/w) -
Alain Delon: Purple Noon (Plein Soleil) (René Clément, 1960)
Anna Karina: Band Of Outsiders (Bande À Part) (Jean-Luc Godard, 1964, b/w)
Catherine Deneuve: Belle De Jour (Luis Buñuel, 1967)
Gérard Depardieu/ Emmanuelle Béart/ Yves Montand: Jean De Florette/ Manon Des Sources (Claude Berri, 1986)
Isabelle Adjani: La Reine Margot (Patrice Chéreau, 1994)
Jean Reno: Léon (Luc Besson, 1994)


The only other national list I could possibly have seen enough of to bother with would be Germany - other than that, there are alarmingly large gaps in my film knowledge. Although I surely deserve some sort of prize for having seen all but one of the Andy Hardy films...


*this is a problem, as it interferes terribly with my Goons listening/Spike Milligan appreciation. Though at least with radio I don't have to see his hideous, constant-air-of-seedy-desperation face

Damned internet, with its constant distractions...

Must. Go. To. Bed.

Must. Resist. Urge. To. Shop...

There's really no need for me to be online at 4 in the morning, looking at corsets and petticoats.


If only they'd stop making them so damned purty...

Me and Princess Di

So there I was, innocently watching a feature on GMTV about tonight's Charles, Camilla, and Diana drama Whatever Love Means, when a familiar face appeared on the screen. A quick check of the TV guide confirmed my suspicions - someone I used to work with was going to be on TV.
That someone is Michelle Duncan, one of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and it's a positive delight to see her doing so well. It's nice to see people who deserve success achieving it. Although this does mean I'm going to have to watch an ITV Drama, and a royalty-based one at that. But hey, Michelle's in it! And she'll be in an episode of Doctor Who soon too! Yay!

So Christmas is over...

... and thank fuck for that.
I did of course forget one link in the festive rundown, possibly the most important one of all - the Samaritans.
Bah humbug...

Day Twenty-Five: It's Christmas!!!!!!!!!1111eleventy

Yes, I know, I'm posting ahead of time - I won't have access to the computer on the actual days. I've run out of links or things to say, so here's some pretty pictures.

Day Twenty-Four: War On Christmas?

Some folks seem to be getting their knickers in a twist about the secularisation of Christmas. This takes a few different forms, from horror at the use of the word Xmas, to the rather more extreme view (apparently there's a liberal conspiracy to silence all Christians. Yes of course there is...) Strangely enough, when people try to find evidence for this, it seems to be somewhat lacking...

And not all Christians agree with Christmas anyway - this chap is particularly annoyed with it...

Day Twenty-Three: Let There Be Light

Back in the olden days, Christmas decorating was a relatively simple affair - get a tree, add some baubles, chuck a bit of tinsel around, and, if you wanted to be really daring, maybe add some twinkling lights.

Those days are long gone. apparently it's all about houseblinging now. The brighter, more extravagant, and more over the top your house exterior looks, the better. Shock horror, it's a trend originating in the USA, but it has definitely arrived on our shores. If you don't have a neon Santa dancing on your roof, you're nobody...

Day Twenty-Two: Multi-faith Extravaganza

If you're not into Christmas, there's plenty of other festivities to choose from at this time of year. It's a bit late now for Bodhi Day, but not to worry, how about a bit of Kwanzaa? Or you could always take some time out to mark Zarathosht Diso, the death of the Prophet Zarathrustra.

The biggie is, of course, Hanukkah. Here's a guide for children, and some recipes.

The Wicca perspective reclaims the Winter Solstice from it's Christian overcoating.

And what about the rest of us? Well, thanks in large part to Seinfeld, we have Festivus!

Day Twenty-One: Oh Yes It Is!

One of the great Christmas traditions on these shores is the pantomime, a peculiar mix of music, comedy, fairy tale, and double entendre.

A basic introduction to the panto concept is available from Wikipedia, and an outline of the necessary elements for writing a show is here.

There is also a guided tour of pantoland, and an excellent guide to the history of this unique form of theatre courtesy of It's Behind You. Scotland is particularly strong on panto, as demonstrated here.

And if you want to know what show is on where, the Big Panto Guide is the definitive list of professional and amateur performances.

Day Twenty: Hooray for the internet

Sometimes I love the internet. Sometimes it can turn up things like Christmas songs by Sufjan Stevens.

And of course, it's also good for things like photos of children being scared by Santa.

Yay!

Day Nineteen: A-carolling We Shall Go

You really know it's about three months till Christmas when the shops start playing all the festive favourites, but as it's actually the right time for them now, how about a few sites dedicated to them?

There's a good selection of traditional carols here, with information on their origins.

An extremely wide selection is covered by The Hymns and Carols of Christmas.

More modern Christmas songs are featured here.

There is a particularly strong carol singing tradition in the north of England, a notable event being the Sheffield Carols

Day Eighteen: Here Comes Santa Claus

Want to know more about Santa? Then try the Santa Faq

If you want to write to him, then head off to Santa's Mailroom

And of course, before you write, it might be helpful to find out if you've been bad or good

If you want to track Santa as he heads around the world, try the NORAD Santa Tracker, or one of the Christmas Webcams

Day Seventeen: Christmas Plants

There are various plants and flowers associated with Christmas time. Many of these in fact pre-date Christianity, being variously associated with Celtic, Nordic, Germanic and Roman practices.

Information on the traditions surrounding these plants can be found at the links below::

The fir tree
Holly
Ivy
Mistletoe
Poinsettia
Christmas Rose
Glastonbury Thorn

Ah, the wit! The humour!

That X Factor mention below just reminded me of some particularly fine, and ever so mature, pics I done gone made of last year's winner and runners-up, Steve "Pub Singer" Brookstein and operatic fools G4. So here they are for your viewing "pleasure".




















That peculiar feeling you're experiencing now is your sides splitting...

As for this year's final I really don't care who wins. As long as it's not the painfully earnest Journey South. And I'd rather the charisma-free zone that is Shayne Ward (he's young, he's from Manchester - really Louis? How very informative) didn't win. Not that fussed about Andy either, to be honest. Still, at least Zoe Ball isn't on the show...

Day Sixteen: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Penguin Books have a podcast of Dicken's A Christmas Carol, read by Geoffrey Palmer. Which is awfully nice of them. And apparently, it's so popular that they're having some "technical difficulties", but I'm sure it'll be back shortly... *7a.m. EDIT* it's back Back BACK! And I need some sleep - The Bitch Factor kept me up reading all night, the swines. And naturally, I didn't stumble across it until they'd already abandoned ship. Bah and, indeed, humbug...

Project Gutenberg have audio books of some Dickens Christmas Stories and the Christmas Books by Thackeray

Amazon.com have a selection of Christmas mp3s available for download (possibly not the best versions the world has ever heard, but hey, they're free and legal). I'm sure Rude Ass the Farting Reindeer by The Fart Guys is a delightful gem...

And on a non-audio note, Listphilia is doing a splendid Christmas A to Z

Day Fifteen: So There's This Guy Called Jesus...

... and apparently these Christmas shenanigans are something to do with his birthday

And it seems that there's a book called the Bible that has several versions of the story - one by a chap named Matthew, and another by a fella called Luke

Or for a more exciting version, you can also see it in the form of Lego or fine art

It would appear that there are quite a few different ideas about this story, some more serious than others

And there was me thinking it was all about a fat man in a red suit, mince pies, and presents...

Day Fourteen: Bah Humbug

The Santapult


Santa Must Die!

Day Thirteen: Just What I've Always Wanted

The Twelve Days of Kitschmas

Day Twelve: Office Survival

Two links for you today -

The Cap'n's Unfortunate Christmas Cards

and for those of you unfortunate enough to be stuck in Seasonal Office Hell,

The Guardian's Office Party Pack

I hope it's of some consolation as you're forced to make stilted small talk with that cow from accounts over the mince pies...

Day Eleven: Erte

Erte Biography

Day Ten - Consumerist Frenzy

Shopping Guides

The Times' Christmas Shopping Guide

What Not To Buy For Christmas

A Don't-Be-Shy Shopping Guide

Shopping With a Conscience

Oxfam Unwrapped

Cancer Research UK

Shelter

UNICEF

WorldVision

Christian Aid

Sightsavers International

The Alternative Christmas List

Day Nine - A Liddle Bidda Kulchir

Let's raise the tone today, with a truly magnificent, dead classy Christmas treat.

Or on the other hand, there's always the Lake District Baarmy Sheep....

Oh dear...

Day Eight - will this do?

I'm a little short on time, so just the one link for today


Mrs Beeton's Christmas pudding recipes

Day 6 and 7

Yes yes, I know, I'm horrendously late with yesterday's entry - I was out, okay? I dragged my flu-addled body to Glasgow to see the New Pornographers playing at the ABC. More about that later, if you promise to behave.

So it's a bit of a double whammy today then. First of all, how about some Christmas poetry? There's one on here by Ian McMillan, who, back in the day, used to do some of the poetry bits on Mark Radcliffe's late night Radio One show. Shame they don't have a recording of it really, as he has the most avuncular voice in the western hemisphere - if Santa Claus came from Yorkshire, that is how he'd sound.

I did have a look at the Poetry Archive, but when a search for christmas throws up a poem called "My Mammogram", you know it ain't going to be a cheery little number...

The second festive number I have for you is the script for It's A Wonderful Life, everyone's favourite Jimmy Stewart and an angel at Christmas time movie.

And just so you know how much I care, I'll thrown in an extra bonus - how about a bad pun?

Day Five - Don't Fancy Yours Much

Day Four

Today's festive delight -

The complete text of Charles Dicken's A Christms Carol
complete with purty pictures

Advent Day Three

A couple of christmas quizzes for you today:

a picture quiz

and

a multiple choice quiz

On the second day of Christmas...

The British Turkey Information Service Cooking FAQ



2005 Advent Calendar Presented by Q-Creative Multimedia

Falling and Laughing

Betsie clumsily maims herself part 3821:



I managed this little beauty while walking home from Tesco last night. My little tumble was in no way related to the earlier ale consumption, nope, couldn't possibly be...

On the first day of christmas...

Well, okay, a teensy bit into the second day, but don't hold that against me...

For today's festive treat, here's a little link for you - Advent Calendars - The History of a Christmas Tradition

What a selection...

I'm so proud...

I'm no.21 on a Google search for Judy Finnigan cleavage - it's good to know I've achieved something worthwhile with my life after all...

Media Grotesqueries and a Drawn-out Death

A man has died after a long illness. Meanwhile a salacious media has been camped outside his hospital, desperate for hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute health details, and quotes from visiting friends and family.

No-one needed this coverage: there was no public clamour for constant updates, no major developments, save the release of harrowing photographs intended to show the world the effects of his long-term alcoholism. All the frenzy has achieved is to remove what little dignity remained in a life which had sadly lacked that quality.

To my generation while growing up, George Best was not a world-class footballer. He wasn't even a world-class womanizer. All the name Best represented was that sad old drunk who turned up worse for wear on chat shows, a demonstration of a talent thrown away, squandered for the lure of addiction (there were two such figures at the time: the world of acting was represented by Oliver Reed). Even though he was still relatively young at this point, you wouldn't have known it to look at him - years of boozing aren't kind on appearance.

Such was the level of his addiction, even a new liver couldn't make him turn his back on the bottle for long. And all the time, the press were delighted to report on failed marriages, family troubles, health problems, and unfortunate booze-related embarrassments. After all, a decline and fall is far more juicy than glittering success. There's more sleaze for one thing.

Maybe it's the 24 hour nature of modern media coverage that creates a need amongst journalists for the levels of intrusion witnessed in the past week. Maybe hourly bulletins make it easy to forget that at the centre of a story there is a real human being, with a real family, and a right to some degree of privacy. Or maybe we all demand too much of our celebrity culture these days: limits are forgotten, with our right to information taking precedence over basic decency.

Whatever the cause, it has been unseemly, and an unpleasant atmosphere in which to mark the passing of someone who once had the world at his feet. He deserved better.

Tache-o-rama

So I was trying to watch Question Time, the UK's premier weekly "grill the panel of politicos" show, but something was distracting me. The same something has had this effect before, leaving me incapable of following a word that was said. It was this:



Or to be more precise, it was his moustache. This is Lord Thurso, Liberal Democrat something-or-other. He could be the greatest orator of the modern era, or a hate-filled harbinger of evil, but I'd be none the wiser - the tache gets all the attention.

He always reminds me of this fella -



Francis Tumblety, one of the many suspects in the Jack the Ripper case (more about that here). I've always had trouble taking him seriously as a suspect: it seems ridiculous to suggest that a gent with his frankly ludicrous facial adornment could meld into the background successfully enough to avoid detection.

Of course if you should happen to find yourself in need of hiding for years on end after accidentally killing your children's nanny (no need for an allegedly here, methinks), then a distinctive tache like so



could be quite handy. Just get rid of it, and the world at large will be none the wiser. Anyone seen Lord Lucan lately?

Tour o' the Sundays

The Sphinx and the curious case of the Iron Lady's H-bomb

A shot in the dark

The Church, the Wardrobe and the holy alliance

The prickly tale of Charlie and the urchin factory

Che's Second Coming?

A clearer vision

373: That's the average number of painkillers we each take in a year. Is it too many?

Is the truth too hot to handle?

DC Confidential by Christopher Meyer

Population 1: the town that's been reclaimed by the prairie

Raging against the machine

Crappy picture, fabby gig

...and the award for Best Gig I've Ever Seen goes to...... the Decemberists, in Glasgow, last night, with a quite spectacular Mariner's Revenge Song for a finale. It were reet grand, so it was...

Where do I live again?

You would think that, if you were to take a few citizenship tests, you might score best in the one for your own country, right?
Well not if you're me - on a BBC mock-up of the British one, I scored a slightly pathetic 8/14 (about 57%), on a USA version I made it a little higher with 60% (though not high enough to be let in apparently), but on the Canadian test I romped home with 85%!

I guess I'd better start packing...

I've discovered a new species...

... ratus drownus


such a good look...

Lest We Forget...

Armistice Day

Commonwealth War Graves Commission

British War Memorial Project

German War Graves Commission

World War 1 1914-1918

Dorothy Parker - Resumé

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

solipsistic

I don't have the faintest idea what this is all about, but it's rather fascinating. And there's a bit of silent film appreciation going on, which is always a good thing

Buy Buy Buy

It's blatant plug time again (yes, I know, but it's not my fault, they made me do it). Now available from assorted fine online retailers, it's the long-awaited Sweet Billy Pilgrim album! Oh the excitement! Oh the joy! Oh the lovely melancholy!


And my other purchase of the week (because everyone wants to buy whatever I buy, don't they?) is the latest from Elbow. I'm slightly slow on the uptake here, but I was poverty-stricken when it was released, and better late than never, eh?

Thanks to the marvel that is google, I now know the exact date I became an Elbow fan: Friday 26th January 2001. It's good to know these things, isn't it? Completely useless information, but then so are most things on this here blog, so why break with tradition...

Ra Big Gemme

How's this for glamour? Saturday afternoon, myself and the Young Man trotted off to McDiarmid Park for the thrill and excitement of St Johnstone v Airdrie Utd. But not for us the luxury of a plastic seat in a stand, oh no (well, not at £16 a throw for first division football, that's for sure). Why pay when you can, instead, repair to the rear of the stadium and peer over the wall? That's far more sensible surely...

Team Info
Saints: some numpties in blue
Airdrie: some numpties in white

Match Report

• I can exclusively reveal that the brick wall had a superb defensive game, successfully preventing any goalmouth action
• The scoreboard is quite big, but not very informative from the back
• The cumberland sausage bought from Tesco on the way was very tasty, thanks
• Saints haven't bought a new CD since approximately 1992
• There was a goal in the first half. For Saints apparently

The official Saints site is here, and here's a match report from Temple of Saints

Man of Steel Woman of Kleenex

Have you ever found yourself wondering about Superman's sperm?

No, me neither.

They'll be crying into their 10 for a quid hankies...

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, bargain hunters of Britain, but the newly crowned King of Cheaply-Priced Tat, Primark, was up in flames last night.
I've held a grudge against the place since I was told off for losing a newly-bought padded pink glove there aged eight, but maybe I should keep quiet about that for now - I wouldn't want to be framed for arson after all...

Yeah, right...

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Having seen the other options though, maybe it's not so bad. Call those classic films? Pah!

I really should avoid doing these damn things...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||| 20% Orderliness |||||| 23% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||| 16% Intellectual |||||| 30% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||||| 56% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||| 30% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||| 30% Romantic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||| 30% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||| 23% Physical Fitness |||||| 24% Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

But I don't do anal...

Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (30%) you appear to be stubbornly and irrationally against receiving help even when it might be the more intelligent option. Anal (16%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything. Phallic (46%) you appear to have a good balance of sexual awareness and sexual composure. Latency (50%) you appear to have a good balance of abstract knowledge seeking and practicality, dealing with real world responsibilities while still cultivating your abstract and creative faculties and interests. Genital (53%) you appear to be somewhere between a progressive/openminded and regressive/closeminded outlook on life.

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I simply don't know what they mean...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 58% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% Antisocial |||||| 26% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||| 14% Narcissistic |||||| 30% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 58% Dependent |||||||||| 38% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 26%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Hearts on the line

Well, whadda you know, having a Lithuanian millionaire take over your football club, wave the cash around, and exert more and more influence over decision-making isn't necessarily a good thing.

Heart of Midlothian FC (one of the clubs in Scotland's capital city, Edinburgh, for the uninitiated) have had a traumatic fortnight: losing a manager in unclear circumstances involving a confidentiality clause; ending a long-running unbeaten spell against their traditional city rivals and dropping from the top of the SPL in the process; and chief executive Phil Anderton and chairman George Foulkes both being sacked at the behest of majority shareholder Vladimir Romanov.

Now Romanov has installed his son Roman as successor to both sacked men, has been branded a dictator, the fans are starting to panic, and the nay-sayers have begun with the "i told you so"s.

I hope for Hearts' sake, and that of Scottish football generally, that there is some kind of happy ending to this tale of woe. The emergence of another team to threaten the hideous dominance of the Old Firm has been a joy for all those not in the thrall of the Glasgow duo. Not since the short-lasting "New Firm" Aberdeen/Dundee United heyday of the early to mid eighties has there been such a viable possibility of a change of command in the Scottish football firmament.

I don't hold out much hope though. There in an air of impending doom surrounding the whole affair, and the involvement of rich businessmen in football doesn't have the best of track records.

Having said that, if any Eastern European multi-millionaires happen to read this and are looking for a club to invest in, feel free to give St Johnstone FC a ring - a short-term flurry of excitement and success would be quite welcome thanks...

I have to stop browsing on Ebay, or I'm in danger of finding myself bidding on beauties like this - the perfect accessory for any home, I'm sure you'll agree...

I am Wearside Jack I am

Has the most famous hoaxer in Britain finally been caught?

Normal (sic) Service Is Resumed

Oh hello there, did you miss me? What do you mean you didn't know I was gone? I could have been stuck down a well with only the off-chance that a particularly intelligent collie dog/kangaroo/dolphin would bring a rescue team keeping me going...

In actuality, I've been stuck in computer repair hell. It turns out I'm not an engineer, or if I am, then I'm an incredibly slow one. So three weeks or so of jiggery-pokery later, I'm back, Back, BACK! with lots of lovely new, faster IT gubbins installed. Shame I'm still on dial-up, but that's rurality for you (go on BT, update the phone lines).

As a quick catch-up, here's a little item I like to call The Posts I Never Blogged:

Cemeteries - not just for junkies, goths and dead people

Robbie Williams - if you hate fame so much then fuck off back to obscurity, you smug irritating git

The Songs In My Head Are Scaring Me (aka if you like pina coladas please don't sing about it)

Digital radio is a marvellous thing, especially BBC7

Interpretive Dancing to Primal Scream and the Evil that is Bobby Gillespie

I don't get it...

BBC NEWS | UK | Scotland | Beheading video man sent to jail

A man who used his mobile phone to replay footage of a beheading in Iraq to a hotel shop worker has been jailed for 60 days. Subhaan Younis, 23, played the images to shocked Charlotte McClay last September at a hotel in Glasgow.
...
Euan Edment said jail was a fitting penalty for the breach of the peace.
...
"Miss McClay was shocked, upset and distressed by the images. This is a serious offence and something she will remember for a long time, perhaps for the rest of her life."
...
The court had heard how Younis, of Baliol Street, Glasgow, had been speaking to Miss McClay in the shop at the Moathouse Hotel in the city's Congress Road on 27 September 2004.
...
Defence lawyer Dominic Sillar said: "This was a colossal mistake on Mr Younis's part.
...
"He fully accepts he was responsible for causing her upset. That was not his intention and he apologises for it."

Maybe I'm missing something here, but what exactly was the crime here? Someone showed someone else a video on a phone (the images themselves apparently not illegal), and for that he ends up in prison? Who would even report that to the police in the first place?
Now if he'd tied her up, pinned her eyes open Clockwork Orange style, and forced her to watch the film, then fair enough. A small pic on a mobile that she could perfectly easily look away from is another matter entirely. Mr Younis may not have acted in the best of taste, but I wasn't aware of that becoming a crime.
What a complete and utter waste of judicial time, effort and money, and what a needless criminalisation of a young man's actions.

Britain to pull troops from Iraq as Blair says 'don't force me out'

There's a conspiracy theory on everything these days...

Oh look, it's Weather Wars

Outrageous...

Ask Jeeves decides to axe Jeeves - disgraceful, the poor chap will need to look for a new position now. They'll regret it when they have to dress themselves of a morn, one simply can't cope without a gentleman's gentleman, surely? (yes I know I'm female, but now that I have my own pocket watch I need to wear the trousers to keep it in...)

More Wodehouse here

My Favourite Porn Stars

Eating a sausage supper* and listening to the New Pornographers, does life get any better? Well actually, turns out it does - in another "bands from over there taking pity on us over here" development, they'll be playing in the UK in November! No details on when exactly or where as yet, but clearly the Great Gig Organiser In The Sky likes me..

If you want to hear the new New Pornos album (and why wouldn't you, they've got more hooks than a Peter Pan Villains' Convention) then head on over to the
Twin Cinema site, and enjoy!

* to the uninitiated, i.e. non-Scots, this is a battered deep-fried sausage served with greasy, vinegar-soaked chips - mmmnnn. Scotland = coronary capital of Europe you say? Surely not...

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I'm a happy bunny today - I've just found out that The Decemberists, one of my favourite bands, are coming to the UK in November! Yay! It's turning cartwheel time here now, in fact I might even have a celebratory play with my recently purchased hula-hoop (it's non-stop glamour and sophistication round my way, you know)...


In other exciting news, Q, the music magazine loved by dads throughout the UK (the grandads prefer Mojo), has devised some cunning formula or other (what we think + nothing else = will this do?) and worked out the identity of the Best British Song Ever! In a surprise move, sure to send shockwaves to the very core of society, they've gone for a Beatles song. What were the chances? Sorry all you musician-types, it seems the game's up and it's time to stop, perfection has already been achieved. Though what Q will write about in twenty years time if you do, heaven only knows...

It's a grauniad revolution!

The Guardian, the muesli-eating, handwringing, lefty liberal Brit's newspaper of choice enters a new era today - it's gone tabloid (or Berliner as they put it, wouldn't do to sound like one of those nasty common red-tops...).
You can follow the behind the scenes progress in The Editors' Weblog

Good news for my telly...

BBC and ITV team up for free satellite service. This is good news for the likes of me - living in the sticks, no cable companies in sight, out of freeview reach, and with inconvenient hills and trees mucking up the reception. Looks like I might not be left high and dry come the digital revolution after all...

Other "in my world" news:

Glasgow is better than Edinburgh - it's official! Well, some people who read a travel magazine say so anyway, and that's good enough for me...

Antony and the Johnsons win the Mercury prize (and the Times wins the most ridiculous headline award). Apparently there's a stushy due to their non-Britishness, but I don't remember an outcry when the nominess were announced. If British-born is clearly stated in the rules, then let the losers weep.

Are GP advanced bookings a problem, asks Aunty Beeb. Why yes, yes they are - in the lack of ability to book ahead sense that is. Not a problem with my GP (apparently they aren't obsessed with government targets) but I know plenty of other people who aren't allowed to make an appointment ahead of time even when requested to do so by their doctor. So instead, they face the lottery of the attempted early morning phone call, when, if you're lucky enough to get through, and have an employer who doesn't mind you spending two hours frantically re-dialling the surgery, you might actually be allowed some medical assistance.

And finally, not long left till the end of the football World Cup qualifying campaign as Scotland play Norway. I'm expecting a "plucky", "brave", but ultimately disapointing performance from Scotland, possibly involving an exit on goal difference or by last minute Norwegian goal, leading to much hand-wringing from the Scottish sporting media. So, same as always then...

I dream in puns...

Dozed off on the sofa, and ended up with a dream involving Pope Benedict the Whateverth. It seems there was some big party in Rome (which also involved Hercule Poirot morphing into a Willy Wonkaesque Johnny Depp and changing a lightbulb in a mucky old cupboard), with prominent guests including Will Young, Michelle McManus and Javine of not in Girls Aloud and Eurovision fame.
At some point Her Maj Queen Lizzie puts a call through to Pope Benny, demanding to know why he hasn't handed over his Popehood, or whatever the hell it's called, to Will Young yet, as apparently that's why the big do was being held. Whether he won it in Pope Idol or not, I really couldn't say.

Right, I'm off to check what they're putting in my water supply...

Trials and Tribulations

I've been watching Death on the Staircase on BBC2, an eight-part documentary following the trial in North Carolina of Michael Peterson. He was accused of the murder of his wife Kathleen, who died, as the title suggests, at the bottom of a staircase in their home. The film-makers followed the defence and, to a more limited degree, the prosecution teams in the assessment of the evidence and building of their cases, the trial, and, in tonight's show, the verdict.

Obviously some bias is inevitable as soon as a camera is present (merely choosing where to point the thing sees to that), and the team clearly had more access to the Peterson family and their lawyers, but on the whole the trial was presented in an impartial manner, allowing the events to speak for themselves.

And what those events showed was a shaky prosecution case, unreliable forensic witnesses, and a judge who allowed the inclusion of material irrelevant to the crime being investigated. As the basis of conviction is supposed to be "beyond reasonable doubt", there certainly seemed to be enough holes in the case for a not guilty verdict to be returned. Having avoided the temptation to google my way to knowledge of the outcome, watching Peterson being found guilty was something of a shock.

While I'm still unconvinced by either the prosecution or defence explanations of Kathleen's death, the onus is on the prosecution to prove guilt, which they singularly failed to do. The defence team may not have proved Peterson innocent, but then they don't have to. The verdict seemed to be based more on prejudice and "gut feeling" than on logical examination of the evidence, an unfortunate side-effect of the jury system. It's a scary though that your future could be in the hands of a randomly chosen bunch of strangers who may send you to prison based on nothing more than hunches, biases and a lack of understanding of scientific evidence. Having said that, it's still the best system available, and the one least open to corruption and cover-up.

It seems the slow grind of the US judicial system is taking its course, and Michael Peterson's case will be going to appeal, so this isn't the end of the case yet. Hopefully the film-makers will keep us updated with its progress, as the insights provided were fascinating, even if the conclusions documented were somewaht depressing.

My Favourite Despot

Do you find politics a bit dull?
Are the leaders just too grey and boring for your liking?

Then maybe you should consider a move to beautiful Turkmenistan! Here, the inspired leadership of Saparmurat Niyazov (or Turkmenbashi to we mere mortals) will liven up your life, and with a cabinet reshuffle and high-level sacking on a virtual daily basis, there's never a dull moment!

Not convinced yet? Well how about this:



Yes, it's a gold statue of Niyazov, which rotates to ensure that he is always facing the sun!

Or maybe this will sway you:

Opera and ballet banned due to being being "unnecessary"!

Lip-synching and recorded music banned!

Gold teeth banned, long hair and beards in young men discouraged!

The "ages of man" redefined, and the months renamed!

National celebrations for "Melon Day"!

Hospitals outwith the capital closed!


Ice palace planned for middle of desert!

Driving test revised to include section on Niyazov's book of "spiritual" sayings!

Said book blasted into space!

And best of all:

He writes poetry!

Truly an inspiration to us all, I'm sure you'll agree. I'm off to buy me a one-way ticket to Turkmenistan!

Betsie's Pantheon of Greatness

The first of an occasional series

Myrna Loy



One half of the best screen couple ever - with William Powell in the Thin Man series of films (hell, Nick and Nora almost make marriage look appealing), Miss Loy was one of the top box office draws of the 1930s, co-starring with all the top male stars (Gable, Tracy, Grant etc), and showing her skills both in drama and as a fine comedienne. She also featured in the rarely-bettered cast of one of my favourite comedies, Libelled Lady.
Her autobiography revealed her to be a charming, caring, self-effacing lady, who deserves a higher profile than she currently enjoys amongst film fans. Owner of the most requested nose in plastic surgeries in the USA in the 1940s, fact fans.

Sergei Baltacha



Ukrainian footballer of the 1980s, Soviet international player, Olympic medallist, and, most importantly, St Johnstone player in the early 90s. A real class act on the field, an intelligent reader of the game and defensively strong. Quite possibly the best player ever to pull on a shirt for Saints. He seems to have a thing for saints, having done the UK footballing rounds of them (that Paisley mob of the Mirren variety, and Southampton for a while too I believe), as well as, on his arrival for Ipswich, being the first USSR type in the British game.
A thoroughly decent chap from a very sports-oriented family, his son having reached the giddy heights of playing for Scotland U21s in football, and his daughter, Elena, now being the number one British ladies tennis player.

David Quantick



British music journalist, with the NME when it was supposedly good (i.e a long long time ago...), and, latterly, assorted monthly magazines of the grown-up, every issue with a hagiography of some rock dinosaur or other, variety. Also does a fine line in comedy (with musical emphasis, natch), with much radio and occasional TV work. Responsible for the top hit comedy show "Lloyd Cole Knew My Father". Often spotted in the professional company of Andrew Collins and Stuart "Macaroni" Maconie.
A Quantick byline or credit is a guarantee of wit, and ensures much guffawing on my part, and for that I salute him.

Jimmy Webb



Wichita Lineman. Galveston. By The Time I Get To Phoenix. Macarthur Park. The case rests. Genius.

With these dreadful adverts you are spoiling us

I think I must be watching too much TV (I say watching, mostly it's just that noisy, flickering thing in the corner), for I am beginning to be inordinately irritated by some of the adverts. While I'm struggling to think of any I actually like, there are a select few which completely set my teeth on edge:

Vanish Oxi-action Max
For a start, the slogan "trust pink, forget stains" leads me to suspect that this is little more than lesbian propaganda, but setting that to one side for a minute, this is a particularly bad example of the Overacting school of advertisement making. A demonstration girl clad in bright pink accosts a passer-by, grabbing her dirty top to demonstrate the amazing stain-removing properties of Vanish. As a crowd gathers round them, Demonstration girl rubs beetroot into the top. Shock, horror, bewilderment and a ludicrous gasp overcome the onlookers. But fear not! The amazing properties of Vanish shift the stain! Truly it is a miracle of our time! Well, you'd think so to hear them anyway...

Canesten
So you work in an advertsing agency. How very glamorous and hip you think you are. And what exciting cutting-edge product do you end up promoting? Thrush treatment cream. Ha! Strangely enough, no mention is made of unpleasant itching or discharge (and they could have used that lovely blue liquid too). No, what we really want to know is that the company is thirty years old. Like we care...

Sensodyne/Colgate/some other brand
"I noticed I was getting a funny coating on my teeth. I asked my dentist, and he suggested I use Toothpaste. Now my teeth are shiny and clean! I recommend it!"

Activia Yoghurt
I don't want bifidis digestivum in my vocabulary, thanks all the same. And it sounds suspiciously made up in any case...

Whichever car is using that god-awful Spin Doctors song
Stop it now, you evil bastards!

Splenda
Smug bitch with a perfect house by the sea, perfect children and perfect blue and cream tableware, witters on about how everyone loves her "no-sugar" baking. Stop deluding yourself woman! There is sugar in them! It's supposedly made from the stuff! And most of us wouldn't use "no-sugar" as a synonym for "packed full of artificial sweetener" anyway! I hate her!

Oh, and Courtney Love and Steve Coogan? What the...?

Farewell, Mo

A political great

Back from the dead

So my computer decided to crash again this week. One hard drive reformat later, and I'm back, back, back! Though not necessarily for long: the old dear is on her last legs (yes, I'm still talking about the computer), and is liable to give up the ghost completely any time now. Hardy surprising really, I am after all at the cutting edge of technology here, with my 32MB RAM and 2GB drive. I'm like a supermarket checkout girl with only an abacus to count on. It's a miracle I'm even online to be frank.

I'm due an upgrade shortly, but it's a slightly complicated process, due to the Betsie Clan's Technology Hand-me-down Scheme. Here's how it works: my brother buys some nice shiny new piece of equipment; he gives his previous version to my mum; I then acquire her, by now outdated, stuff. So, at a rough estimate, at any given time I'm about five years behind the latest trends. I wonder if that qualifies as retro chic? If not, then I could always unleash the ancient Mac lurking in the loft, from the Time Before CD-ROM. Unfortunately the betamax video didn't make it into the new century, or I really could be living in a timewarp (well, more than normal anyway...)

This time there's going to be a slight break with family tradition, as I've got a lovely new hard drive sitting awaiting the (taking too long for my liking) swap-over moment. Oh the excitement! Now if I only lived somewhere I could actually get that fancy broadbean thingamajig, I'd be the happiest little bunny on the planet...


Addendum 1
Attention sign writers of the western world - putting "Polite Notice" at the start of your terse request does not in fact make it so. Try using "please" or "thank you" instead, it's so much nicer.

Addendum 2
My candidate for the least arousing word in the English dictionary - slurp. Yeuch.