The Bland, The Delusional And The Despicable

... Or to put it another way, it's the Big Brother 6 UK final night.

I've been watching BB since the first series, admiring Caggy's "interesting" lipliner technique, wondering how Penny ever gained employment as a teacher, suffering the sight of a naked Jade Goody, falling asleep at yet another Tickle run-through of a Star Wars book plotline, and learning how to do a "dance of disrespect" in a Lipgloss Bitch stylee.

This series, though, has failed to grip me as previously (and that's from someone who stuck with the boreathon of BB4 till the bitter end). While it's inevitable that the contestants will become more knowing, wise to the ways of working the cameras for maximum exposure, and keen to exploit every opportunity they can milk when they leave the house, cynicism seems to have overtaken the whole setup.

From the use of people known to Endemol as housemates (Maxwell and Eugene both having prior connections, and Derek and Orlaith invited to apply rather than auditioning), to the disregard for the mental health of the housemates (immature contestants invited to deal with their "issues" in front of the nation rather than being rejected as applicants for fear that they wouldn't cope well either in the house or after their exit), the main concern of the production team seems to be controlling the house and engineering ratings-grabbing headlines. The character of Big Brother him/herself has been more prevalent this year, interfering with the voting process, the housemates' interaction and, of course, making full use of the editing process to make sure the public thinks what they want us to think at any given moment. No, I don't want to see "Big Brother" have a sense of humour and wind up the housemates, I want as little interference with the contestants as possible. I want to see housemates interact with each other, not just react to created situations.

The choice of housemates has been particularly poor this year, perhaps giving some explanation as to why so much control needed to be exerted over them. The women seem to have been selected mainly on grounds of breast size (why else were Lesley and Saskia there?) and willingness to wonder around undressed (yes Sam and Orlaith, we've seen you, now put them away please...). The men (well, boys mainly) apparently had to be living, breathing stereotypes (cheeky chappy Maxwell, camp hairdresser Craig, ghetto spokesperson Science), or deliberately against the grain (posh black gay tory Derek, so socially-awkward it hurts geekboy Eugene). The key statement needed to get yourself into the house seems to have been that old favourite "I do want I want and I don't care what anyone else says. If I think someone's a bitch I'll tell them to their face" - well worked out folks, the producers want conflict, make sure you say you'll provide it. Well, call me fussy, but watching a bunch of idiots arguing for the twentieth time in a week about food is not the best entertainment I've ever seen.

So those categories - who fits under what header?

The Bland: Vanessa (yes I know, who?), Sam (say something, don't just giggle), Roberto (you're Italian, you like food, now what else can you do?), Eugene (he may be a nice guy, he may be endearing, but would you actually want to talk to him?), Orlaith (she likes her fake breasts. and moisturing. that's it), Anthony (not very bright, not very interesting)

The Delusional: Mary (psychobabble and new-age nonsense a-go-go), Craig (the most handsome, clever man in the house, surrounded by evil people out to get him. and of course he doesn't fancy Ant'nee), Science (Leeds has a ghetto? you're a good rapper?), Makosi (first she was a virgin, then she was pregnant, queen of fake drama and fake tears)

The Despicable: Lesley (not a good word to say for anyone, or anything), Saskia (I'm so very glad I don't have to live in a house with "people like you", dear), Maxwell (everyone's favourite football thug and violent tempered fool), Kinga (put.the.bottle.down. and stop shouting. and act like a grown-up. and don't pretend to be drunk on non-alcoholic wine), Craig, again (sexual harassment isn't big or clever)

The exceptions: Kemal (can be childish and annoying, but also intelligent and interesting to listen to), and Derek (complete bitch at times, caring and considerate at others, actually entertaining unlike so many)

And the winner is.... Anthony. Yawn....


Film of the week: Buster Keaton in One Week

Song of the week: Sweet Billy Pilgrim - Stars Spill Out Of Cups