Televisual Highlights of the Day Ahead

BBC2 - 11.00am - Asterix Versus Caesar
Watch those plucky little Gauls stick it to the mighty Romans! Yay!

CH4 - 1.00pm - Warlords of Atlantis
Starring Doug McClure. You may know him from such films as...this one.

BBC1 - 2.35pm - Diagnosis Murder
In today's episode, a devious daughter's deadly scheme (loving the alliteration there) is uncovered by Mark Sloan, but believes he can be outwitted, the foolish woman. Doesn't she know he can uncover her fiendish plot with a natty dance routine and a highly authentic "cockernee" accent?

ITV1 - 3.00pm - Have I Been Here Before?
Celebrities being regressed to discover their past lives, what more could you want from daytime telly?

CH4 - 5.25pm - Big Brother's Little Brother
Presented by everyone's favourite fake Irishman, Dermot O'Leary

CH4 - 9.00pm - Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares
In which the top chef teaches more hapless fools that the best way to run a successful restaurant is to shout at your staff and swear a lot

CH4 - 10.55pm - Hollyoaks
Another late night "special" for the Chester-based teatime teen soap. Judging from the previous efforts, this will involve an increased level of innuendo, and one or more of the identikit blonde girls wandering around in her knickers

CH5 - 11.25pm - 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets
I'm guessing if they were that well kept, Channel 5 wouldn't know them

And I don't have any of that fancy telly, so I'm not telling you what's on the other channels...

I'm in all the top searches, me

And so the stories begin

Every year around this time, following the initial entrance of the latest batch of fame-hungry Big Brother housemates, the online community and the tabloids join forces to find out as much as possible about their histories. Woe betide that a contestant should have any scandal lurking in their background - it won't be the hidden past for much longer.

So far this year, the most interesting stories doing the rounds regard the oldest housemate: 40 year-old Derek Laud. As an openly gay, black, Tory political advisor, and friend of such controversial figures as Neil and Christine Hamilton, he was bound to have some gossip associated with him. While it may be merely unfair speculation, here's a handy round-up of what's out there.

It doesn't take long for at least one of the girls to become the focus of the whole "ex-lovers and rivals blabbing to the tabloids to make a quick buck" phenomenon. Welcome to the wonderful world of the media, Sam.

Of course, there are also housemates desperate for any kind of attention who make sure they have an online home before they enter the house (last year we had the "pleasure" of late entrant Becki Seddicki's songs online - yippee!). In this category, we have 19 year old Lesley, who wants us all to look at her. Not that you'd know that by the plastic nurses outfit she wore on the first night, oh no.

More is undoubtedly yet to come - as summer advances, the UK media becomes increasingly obsessed with BB, filling page after page with updates, gossip, and pictures of the girls in their bikinis. So hopefully our new z-listers will have plenty of stamina to keep them supplied with tittle-tattle...

Big Brother 6! I'm so excited!!

I can barely wait for 9pm this evening, when Big Brother 6 starts on Channel 4. I'm a self-confessed addict - there's just something about it that draws you in, and you find yourself watching hours on end of other people sleeping...

Naturally, there's a multitude of related websites out there, but there's only really two that the discerning fan needs to bother with:

BB Gossip, the very best BB site currently in existence. The front page collects together all the day's news stories and press speculation. The running commentary gives live updates from the house round the clock, and wise, witty, informative and thought-provoking comment comes courtesy of some of the nicest people on the whole darn interweb;


The Digital Spy forum is a good source for gossip and insider information, but unfortunately it doesn't take very long each year before it descends into factionalism (in BB4 it was the chosen home of the Jon Tickle fanatics) and name-calling. As an added "bonus", the featured ex-housemate columnist this year is screeching annoyathon, Marco Sabba. I hope his written thoughts consist of a little more than seal-clapping, "oh my god!" every five minutes, and demonstrating the famous "dance of disrespect".

BB6 will have to be quite something to outdo it's immediate predecessor, but I have my fingers crossed that it'll be another reality TV classic.

Two hours to go!

It's an edu-ma-cation

Sometimes nocturnal television can actually be educational, you know - or at least it can if you don't have satellite or cable, and don't fancy repeats of the ITV daytime schedule. Last night, for instance, BBC2's late night schools' programming had a show on contemporary art. Among those featured was sculptor Laura Ford, who creates figures of children, dancers, and animals which, in their form and the materials used, have an almost eerie effect.

The early hours can also be useful for improving your language skills, with both Open University shows and school pupil level shows, and BBC News 24 interviews with assorted European political types (turns out the French Prime Minister chappie was largely understandable without resorting to subtitles when interviewed on the EU constitution vote this Sunday).

Should your eyes decide they need a rest, the radio schedules are also a veritable feast of information overnight, with 5 Live's Up All Night keeping us informed on the latest in the USA, the antipodes and Africa, and Radio 4 turning over to the BBC World Service. Drifting off while listening, you can almost obtain information by osmosis, the only side effect being the presence of figures and situations from the news in your dreams.

In fact, compared to a lot of daytime media scheduling, the person who wishes to be well-informed would do well to consider insomnia - okay, so you miss out on sunshine and light, but it turns out there's a pretty good pay off.

Just one thing...

I'm off to bed in a mo, but before I go, may I humbly suggest that you download the track Forget To Breathe from the Sweet Billy Pilgrim Official Site, as it is, quite frankly, flipping gorgeous.
Goodnight world...

Google Search: "justin lee collins" twat

And which site is at number ten in this all-important search? Why it's me!

Rock on!

Touch My (Eurovision) Fire

This Saturday, it's time once again for that highlight of the televisual calendar throughout Europe (and Israel), the Eurovision Song Contest. You just can't beat it for empty spectacle, some good tunes, some dreadful ones, a range of "interestiing" wardrobe choices, and for UK viewers, the delightfully irreverent commentary of Terry Wogan. And after the songs, there's the hilarity of the whole "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine" voting procedure. All in all, a great night's entertainment.

So as a small tribute, here's a selection of links to prepare you for your Eurotastic experience, live from Kyiv.

• eurovisionblog.com



• Popjustice Eurovision blog



• The Official Eurovision Site



• details of the BBC coverage



• The Eurovision Database



• Free downloads of all national finals songs (registration required)

Stab Stab Stab

You know you're in a bad way when...

...after five minutes of frantic spec-cleaning, you realise it's your eyes after all. Bah

Your microceleb sucks cock in hell...

...exclusively, next week, on ITV!


Well, probably, at the rate they're going. For this week though, we have the "delights" of Celebrity Love Island. And who are these tip top celebrities parading around in swimwear for our entertainment? Well, let's see - we have:

• A guy with a dodgy beard who was in a soap some years back and was shacked up with a "glamour" model;
• A man whose sole claim to fame is having impregnated a member of Atomic Kitten;
• The wastrel son of a famous footballer and alcoholic;
• An ex-star of a teen soap;
• Some footballer or other;
• Some athlete or other;

and the ladies are:

• A TV presenter who really should know better (get out while you can, Jayne Middlemiss!);
• Some woman who was in Eastenders for about 2 weeks five years or so ago;
• A minor aristocrat whose sister likes to wear silly clothes;
• A member of Atomic Kitten (presumably not the one who was knocked up by the non-entity above);

and very much bringing up the rear:

• Rebecca Loose Morals, famous for possibly, maybe, please don't sue, having shagged a married footballer;

and

• Abi Titwank, famous for formerly having a, possibly, maybe, please don't sue, slightly rapey boyfriend.

A fine line-up, I'm sure you'll all agree. Strangely enough, I haven't been watching, much like with that other monumental ITV success Celebrity Wrestling.

I like my reality TV stars to be proper nobodies and wannabes, not the half hearted sort, so roll on Big Brother, coming back soon - hurrah!

Hahahahahahahahahahah!!!

Georgeous George sticks it to the yanks. He may be an utter arse, but he sure knows how to fight, I'll give him that!

In unrelated news, poor Kylie :(

I'm almost speechless

So what, apparently, are the top issues bothering the people of Britain this week? Is it global warming? The continuing chaos in Iraq? Leadership battles in the two major political parties? No of course not, don't be silly. The really big issues are young people in hooded tops and an advert for chicken.

Jesus wept.

An open letter to Channel Four

Dear Channel Four Bosses,

Much as I enjoy some of the programmes on your delightful channel, I have of late found myself avoiding large chunks of your output due to one issue: something I like to call the "chronically unfunny so-called comedian presenter" factor.

First, there was the comedy abortion that is Jimmy Carr, a man so devoid of humour that he can bang his elbow and feel no pain. For a while it seemed as though the entire channel was devoted to this monstrosity, so omnipresent had he become.

Then, just when it almost seemed safe to switch on the TV again, a new horror was unleashed, one which I believed had been lurking in the wilderness of the BBC's digital output. A bearded, endlessly shouting yokel halfwit by the name of Justin Lee Collins has seemingly replaced Carr in the affections of your comedy commissioners (who must presumably live utterly depraved lives allowing any old dodgy stand-up to rake up some pretty good blackmail material).



This past week has been particularly painful, with the beardy twat barely off the screen: every night in new show FAQ U (cos, like, faq sounds a bit like fuck! Hilarious!), and also in some dodgy TV nostalgia nonsense - great! Thanks for that!

But no, really, I'm obviously mistaken, he's clearly a comedic genius. Just listen to this fantastic quote from last night (the remote control must have been out of reach...) "I like it when I say Bush. Cos, like, it's really funny every time I say it. Bush!" Wow. Fantastic. But then, this is a man who thinks the height of comic excellence is to add "rock n roll!" to the end of every second sentence. God help us all...

So please, Channel Four, don't turn him into another Jimmy Carr, I really don't want to have to throw a brick at the TV, I can't afford a new one. Just keep him off the screen, find a nice job for him making tea for that nice Jon Snow off the news, that'll keep him occupied.

Kamikaze Songbirds

So apparently there's this thing called sleep...

Not that I've been getting any lately. Not for more than an hour at a time anyway, which might explain why I'm turning into a super-grouch. Woe betide that any brave soul should attempt to engage me in conversation, they'll be lucky to get an entire sentence in response. And then people have to cheek to expect that I might want to spend time in their company - yeah right! I may have things to do, but I ain't doing them with you thanks all the same...

I should probably go on retreat, the silence and peace would suit me nicely. I often used to think in my youth that I'd make a good nun (well, apart from that silly bit about believing in a god anyway), but now I reckon I should just go the whole hog and become a modern-day hermit. All I need is a nice comfortable cave, preferably with electricity and an internet connection (well if movie villains can have secret hideouts complete with rockets hidden in mountainsides, I don't think it's asking too much), and a daft aristo with more money than sense to leave me food in payment for the privilege of my presence.

Just imagine it - no need to work, no annoying crowds, no traffic, no irritating neighbours, just peace, contemplation and serenity. Sounds like heaven...


Oh, and kamikaze songbirds are the entertainment at 6am round here signified by a mysterious thud on the patio doors.

Well it turned out that the UK General Election voting was far more interesting than the rather dull party campaigning which lead up to it. Unlike in recent years, there was a genuine sense of unpredictability, with regional variations, marginal seats, and local battlegrounds creating a diverse picture across the nation.

Scotland had the potential for some confusion amongst voters, with boundary changes to reduce the overall number of MPs creating entirely new seats. I suspect many voters may have been marking their crosses without actually knowing the make-up of their new constituencies. Apparently we Scots are meant to be particularly keen on the old tactical voting - going for the candidate most likely to keep out the party you hate the most - so I can't help wondering if this may have had an effect.
As always, I watched the whole shebang (hell, I'll even stay up for by-elections, I'm a sad little bunny), and here's some (mildly) amusing quotes from the TV coverage (on the BBC naturally, can't go watching these new-fangled commercial channels for such important occasions...)

"We go now to one of those odd curiosities - Robert Kilroy-Silk"

David Dimbleby, chairing the BBC coverage, on the ex-Labour MP, ex-TV presenter, ex-UK Independence Party celebrity supporter, current Veritas leader, Europhobe and all-round orange fake-tanned loon.

"I did not say when there would be a Tory government, but there will be one sometime."

Boris Johnson, genial Tory buffoon

"I think this gentleman here could be the one to deliver the result. At least he's not wearing a strange hat. Which is always a good thing"

Anne Mackenzie, chairing the BBC Scotland coverage, waiting for the result in opposition leader Michael Howard's seat of Folkestone. This constituency attracted a high number of wackily dressed comedy candidates.

"It's a Loony landslide!"

Lord Toby Jug, Monster Raving Loony Party candidate for Folkestone, repeatedly, as the votes were announced, to the amusement of most of his fellow MP-wannabes.

"Say no to pointless placards"

Slogan on a Monster Raving Loony Party candidate's placard

"You are conducting, even by your standards, one of the most absurd interviews of your career! I've just won an election! ... Can't you find it in yourself to congratulate me?"

"Gorgeous" George Galloway, newly elected (made-up vanity party) Respect MP for Bethnal Bow and Green, to the BBC's uber-interviewer Jeremy Paxman, shortly before flouncing off to bask in his own self-importance. Sir, I salute your indefatigability...

"It's only anoraks who're up at this time"

Eric Pickles, Tory talking head for the night, at a mere 4.56am. I don't know what he meant...


The results seat by seat can be found at The BBC's Election Map

Hiccup or hiccough, that is the question . . .

Walked . . . up . . . hill - dying - must . . . get . . . fit . . . *keels over*

I'm not easily annoyed* but...

...these are some things which have been irritating me lately

• "Jesus Saves" type billboards. There have been a spate of these around town in recent months, some with a positively apocalyptic tone (accept before it's too late, that kind of thing). They all seem to be funded by some evangelical group, and I'm willing to bet they're baptists. Now I've nothing against their beliefs, I'm perfectly willing to let them think what they want to think, but it's a bit rich when they feel the need to try to convert everyone else to their way of life. Before you know it, they'll be spreading propaganda in schools, with book titles like "Janet and John are Saved from Damnation by Faith in Our Holy Lord". Their unnatural practices will be promoted to our youngsters as being somehow normal, as if their perverted ideas were somehow "acceptable" or "natural". Must we throw this filth at our kids? I think I might start a million pound campaign to defend decent society from them: now if only I were a wealthy public transport company owner thus providing me with the resources to fund it...
• The phrase "in terms of". I'm not sure why this annoys me so much, but ever since I first noticed its irritant value several months ago, I've been hearing it everywhere. Listen out yourself, you'll see what I mean - everyone is using it. Well, everyone except me, that is. I don't remember this phrase being used nearly so much in the past, maybe it's one of these new-fangled business-speak things which has crossed over into general use. If so, I do wish it would vanish again, it's really getting on my nerves.
• Negative politicking. My pointless, never to be fulfilled wish for the last week of campaigning in the UK General Election - that the two main parties would tell us about the good things they would do in government, rather than concentrating on why the other party (and the leader in particular) is the antichrist. This is approximately how it goes: the Labour Party:- "Ooh, you can't trust that Michael Howard, he's a bit shifty looking you know"; the Tory Party:- "Ooh, you can't trust that Tony Blair, he's a liar and a cheat you know"; which leads to: everyone else in the country:- "Ooh, isn't that Charles Kennedy a nice man? Not like those other two nasty chaps." Party politics, you gotta love it.

*this is a blatant lie

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Betsie's Birthdate

Your birthday shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness. You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable. You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words. You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic. You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller. Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue. There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work. You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Round-up Time

So I've been too busy/ill/lazy for much blogging this week - time for a quick catch up on Some Things I Have Seen On The Interweb This Week

Been doing a fair bit of genealogy online in the past few days, and I stumbled upon this gem - it's the COCKUP 1901 CENSUS

Sick of energy suppliers phoning you or turning up at your door claiming to be able to save you money? (hello Scottish Gas...) Then enter your details at USwitch and you can separate the truth from the worthless bluster.

Banning stuff is some people's favourite hobby: find out about attempted censorship at The Forbidden Library

The evil Paul finally got fired in The Apprentice. About time too!

Things are getting tough out there for cats - now it's Kittenwar!