Korma Chameleon

Dear Tesco,

Thank you very much for having a product research day in store today, my detailed assessment of your two chicken korma samples just saved me from having to make lunch.

Regards,
Betsie

In related news, as overheard on the bus today: "These days you have to ask the driver if you want to go to Tesco, you can't tell if they will or not". Some belated advice, my dear - try looking at the fucking timetable, where it clearly states which buses go where and when. Or if that's too difficult, try looking at the front of the fucking bus, where you can tell whether it's going via Tesco by the big fucking letters saying "via Tesco". I'm just full of helpful tips, aren't I?

In unrelated news, it's the final of Big Brother 7 tonight. Who wins? Who cares! (edit: it is, of course, Big Brother 8. Which does somewhat demonstrate just how dire it's been. If someone who has watched it all from the start gets that wrong, something is clearly rotten in the state of Endemol)

And in irrelevant to the universe as a whole news: Princess Diana In Still Dead Shocker.

The new suede skirt

Note to self: I really need to stop buying mini-skirts, I'm getting a bit too old for such things. However, this was no ordinary skirt: no, this was (almost) the skirt I've been dreaming about for years. Let me explain..

When I was a small child, one of my very favourite things to do was play with my dressing-up box. This was an old wicker number, filled to the brim (or was that just my amazing packing skills making an early appearance?) with my mum's discarded 1970s outfits. There was a grand selection - the yellow polka dot jacket and skirt combo was a real winner, and the baby blue platform shoes were great fun to fall over in. One piece, however, stood head and shoulders over the rest: the brown suede wrapover miniskirt. It was a real beauty, and delightfully tactile. How I longed for the day when I'd be big enough to wear it properly!

However, fate was not on my side. By the time I'd finally grown up enough to nab it, someone had purged that box of wonders. My skirt was gone, and I was devastated. Ever since then, I've been on a lookout for the mythical suede number, but nothing has ever quite measured up. The green one is nice, but it's green. Various other soft fabrics have tried to act as substitute, but they really haven't measured up. Even this new one isn't quite right - it's not got the wrapover thing going on - but it is brown, suede, and only cost a fiver, so I guess it'll do for now..

Woohoo!

Woohoo!


Chris Morris and Peep Show team up

They won't say what it's about, they won't say when it's coming, but it doesn't matter: Chris Morris and the creators of Peep Show are collaborating and you can't miss it. Not least because whenever it comes, anything by Morris will cause a storm in the press.

Morris is best known for spiky satires such as Brass Eye and The Day Today, which so precisely cut through news and documentary television clichés that they're as painful as they are funny to watch. Whereas Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong are on a high writing the fifth series of Channel 4's Peep Show plus a second US pilot version.

It's Armstrong who has confirmed the project but won't reveal specifics: "I can't say anything more at the moment. Chris will announce further details when he wants to."

Woohoo! Woohoo! Woohoo!

Some mistake surely. I'm always late.

Your Score: Sometimes late.

You scored 60%!

You just need some training and discipline. You are probably late intentionally, but you seem to lose the track of time often.

Link: The Am I punctual Test written by wildlikestorm on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Wendy Who?

So, Wendy Alexander is to be the new leader of Scottish Labour. It's almost as if they don't want me to vote for them. Would it really have hurt some in the Labour Party to support another candidate, as least giving the impression that she was democratically elected? Not that the SNP's second-in-command Nicola Sturgeon is an improvement in any way, they're equally annoying .

However, even more annoying than either of them is Wendy's brother, Douglas Alexander. Many years back now, before he became Gordon Brown's little buddy down at Westminster, he was the Labour candidate in the Perth and Kinross by-election (caused by the death of Tory nutjob Nicky Fairbairn). There was a special "Words With Wark" (Scottish political TV show of the day, hosted by Kirsty Wark) in the run-up to polling day, and I was in the audience to ask a question of the UKIP guy (why are you such a fucking half-witted bigot, only put more politely).

The highlight of that was, of course, meeting the delightful Screaming Lord Sutch, but afterwards I tagged along to the Labour Party do elsewhere in town (they had a bigger draw than the other parties: Glenda Jackson and Gordon Brown won me over to the red side. If the SNP had invited Sean Connery along, I'd have gone there instead).

So, with two chances to view Mr Alexander in action in one night, what lasting impression did he leave? Not a good one. He came across as a New Labour robot, speaking in all the correct buzz words, devoid of emotional connection in anything he uttered, and incapable of comprehending sufficiently questions asked of him so sticking rigidly to the preprogrammed script. So, just a typical modern British politician then. God forbid they should have a soul.

In the end, he was soundly defeated by the SNP's Roseanna Cunningham (who actually has some principles, amazingly enough. And still uses public transport. It's a miracle!), but the Alexander clan continued their ascent through the political ranks

Lucky us...

Blimey...

Oh the irony..

The Ideal Job for Your Personality Test

Your Score: Computer Programmer

You scored 53 intelligence, 37 diligence, 35 charisma, and 37 compassion!

You don't do well with people. Avoid them at all costs. Machines are your best friend.


Other jobs you might be good at: web designer, engineer

Link: The Ideal Job for Your Personality Test written by newbluechampion on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Yeah, because that postgrad IT course went ever so well...
(It's not a good idea to sign up for a class for the sole reason that you can get funding for it. Generally speaking, it helps if it's something you actually want to do in the first place)

Ooh, sharp

I think it might be time to cut my nails

Especially this one

RIP Lee Hazlewood

I've only just heard.

A true legend.

Sometimes, when you see someone in the street, it's best just to look away..

Half-good news...

From BBC News (quoted in full, cos I'm too lazy for editing):

Actor Chris Langham has been found guilty of downloading child porn.

Langham, of Golford, Kent, said he was only studying the porn as research for a television drama - but he was convicted at Maidstone Crown Court.

However, the 58-year-old actor has been acquitted of charges of indecently assaulting an underage girl and two counts of a serious sexual offence.

Judge Philip Statman remanded the BAFTA winner in custody for sentencing on September 14.

The jury of seven men and four women deliberated for about two hours and 40 minutes before they returned their verdicts.

Langham claimed in court that he had looked at the images while formulating a character for the BBC series Help.

He said he pleaded not guilty because he did not want to be called a paedophile.

While giving evidence his Help co-star, comedian Paul Whitehouse, told the court that he had no knowledge Langham used child pornography for research.

During his time in the witness box, Langham said when he was eight he had been the victim of abuse while on holiday in Canada. He said he did not want to go into any detail, but he felt "deep, deep shame" about what had happened.

Langham also told the jury victims of abuse were his "brothers and sisters" and he felt no shame in looking at child pornography.

When asked by the prosecution why he had saved images on to his computer, he replied: "I thought if I could become angry enough I might be able to break this problem I have in accessing this stuff myself."

The jury were directed to clear the actor of four other indecent assault charges part way through the trial.

In a statement read out by his solicitor, Langham said: "I am absolutely delighted my name has been cleared of all the charges I have consistently denied.

"I have been found guilty on charges I have made admission to from the moment of my first arrest.

"I am grateful to the jury for their careful deliberation and I would also like to thank the press for their restraint in not making the lives of my wife, children and family difficult during this time and I implore them to continue to grant my family the privacy they need.

"I am afraid I am unable to comment further until sentence on the 14 September."

Det Insp Derek Cuff, of Kent Police, said: "Let us not forget that child abuse images circulating on the internet are real situations involving real children, who are sexually abused for other's gain and self-gratification.

"Viewing such images simply perpetuates child abuse."

He added: "The jury had to view some images that had to be selected carefully - but what they saw and heard in evidence is harrowing and disturbing.

"I think this itself puts some measure of perspective on the level of child abuse we are dealing with."

Admitting in court that he'd probably have kept on downloading images if he hadn't been arrested may have been a little too honest, frankly. The more serious charges have clearly been shown to be utter twaddle though, so that's a good thing.

Feet haters of the world unite

What is it with Yahoo and foot fetishists? Every second person on there seems to be one, and they all want to talk to me. Shame for them that I hate the scabby things then.

(I never caught the shoes-and-handbags bug that seems to affect so many women either. Buy shoes - wear shoes till fall apart - buy new shoes, that's how it works in my world)

Two down...

So that's Ingmar Bergman and Michelangelo Antonioni both gone in one day.

This piece here is s little harsh on Antonioni's later work:

Moreover, when he made a belated return to film-making in 1995, the result proved faintly embarrassing. Stuffed full of earnest voice-overs and toe-curling sex scenes, Beyond the Clouds was the cinematic equivalent of an old man reading poetry to a young woman while simultaneously using his stick to lift up her skirt. No doubt this was a film that came from the heart (or someplace near it), but it notably lacked the poise and confidence of his earlier work.

Well I rather liked it. And there's some gorgeous imagery contained therein. So there.

Still it's more for the "events on my birthday through the years" file. And highly preferable to a certain football team cheating their way to a World Cup win. Pretty much anything is better than that.

Whoop-de-doo, I'm fucking old

to meeeeeeee!

With these film classification descriptions you are really spoiling us

Since the British Board of Film Classification began adding descriptive text to their certificates, reading about cinema releases has been much more fun. Take, for example, the current film schedule at the DCA.

If it's violence you're after, then there's a wide variety to choose from. There's mild peril for the kiddies (Spirited Away), mild violence (The Blood of a Poet), moderate violence (The Walker), bloody violence (Ten Canoes), action-adventure violence (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End), war violence (The Dam Busters) and, of course, strong violence including sexual violence and scene of degradation and torture (Salo) - good old Pasolini.

If you prefer your film experience with added swearing, then perhaps you should opt for Billy Liar (mild language), Water (moderate language), The Night of the Sunflowers (strong language), Paris, je t'aime (very strong language). Or if that's a bit too much for you, best stick to The Seventh Seal, with it's "language". I'm assuming they don't mean Swedish (be warned though, this film also contains "threat", whatever that means)

But never mind that, where's the sex, I hear you cry. Well Golden Door contains "natural nudity", Brief Encounter apparently has "mild sex references" (terribly, terribly polite ones, of course), Fire offers up "infrequent sex" and The Killing of a Chinese Bookie "moderate nudity", Molière proffers a mere "one scene of moderate sex" and Shadows "moderate sex references". If the "strong sex" of The Lives of Others doesn't appeal, then perhaps Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer's "mild innuendo" would be more your cup of tea. (Incidentally, Goldfinger is apparently free of this, and, indeed any other need for warning. Apparently having a main character called Pussy Galore isn't innuendo in their world. Bizarre)

My very favourite classification in this bunch, however, has to be that for A Woman Under the Influence. Watch out, folks, this film contains "emotional intensity".


Many more warnings here.

My Childhood Hell, part one

Bookstores these days have entire sections devoted to "Tragic Life Stories", so, never one to shy from extremely belatedly jumping on a tawdry bandwagon, it's time to share some of my own youthful traumas.

Number one - I live to dance!

Way back in the mists of time, I wanted to be a ballerina. I believe this syndrome is commonly referred to as "being a girl". Accordingly, I was signed up for ballet and tap lessons at the local community centre. I think my mum still has my turquoise leotard with added frills and tiny ballet shoes lurking somewhere. So anyway, it was most enjoyable (tap more so, as it happens, it's great fun), and I even got some crappy medals via the yearly exams.

As a dancing fan, I was naturally very keen when my parents asked if I'd like to go and see Scottish Ballet perform as a birthday treat. Yes! Of course I would! What could be better?

Well, this certainly couldn't.














Having built up my hopes, the evil grown-ups then either couldn't get hold of/baulked at the price of the ballet tickets (I know which one my money's on). So, instead, I was taken along to see Keith Harris and Orville.

Yeah, thanks.

On a related note, my dancing days soon came to a premature end when shooting leg pains associated with flat feet made it far too painful to continue. Oh the hardship etc.


By the way, for a proper antidote to all the tales of woe cluttering up the bookshelves, I heartily reccommend this delightful tome: Andrew Collins - Where Did It All Go Right?

Daily Mail Readers In Uninformed Outrage Shocker

Example one.

Example two.

There's plenty more, but I wouldn't be so cruel as to expose my poor readers to such things...

Now that's more like it, Amazon

Now they're recommending this lot:

Classics of German Cinema
with the following films:
Der Golem, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Asphalt, The Blue Angel and Munchausen.

I can sort-of see the point in the inclusion of the latter film (though these two doozies may have been a more accurate reflection of Nazi cinema), but would a bit of Murnau really have killed them?

Jean-Luc Godard Collection Vol.1
with the following films:
Alphaville, Passion, À bout de souffle, Made In USA, and two unnamed others.

Now, call me fussy, but it's quite useful to know in advance what films you're getting. If say, Les Carabiniers, Prénom: Carmen, or Le Mépris, are amongst them, then I'd rather skip it.
If, however Weekend, Pierrot le fou, Vivre sa vie, Une Femme est Une Femme, Bande à Part or Deux ou Trois Choses Que Je Sais d'Elle are in the mix then that's quite another matter..

Of course I've already got a nice little Godard collection myself,. so it's fairly irrelevant to me anyways :)

Shameful Confession Time

I was watching The Queen round at my mother's house yesterday, and it brought back some horrible memories.

On 31st August 1997, I was (surprise!) struggling to sleep, and thus was listening to BBC Five on the radio. News came in that there had been a car crash in Paris, that Dodi Fayed was dead, and Princess Diana injured. As later reports gave more details, it was announced that she had also died.

I went to work at 12.00, positioned myself in the cookware section of the shop due to it having a radio, and kept the news on, informing assorted unaware customers that yes, what they were hearing was true. At the time, we were selling cut-out Diana postcards, so I had them removed from display.

Being a bit of a news junkie in any case, I was caught up in the media whirl surrounding the event, as the feeding frenzy reached saturation point. And here's the really shameful part: on the Wednesday or Thursday, I don't remember which, I headed into town after work, spent over two hours queuing at Glasgow City Chambers, and signed a book of condolence.

I know, I know, horrific behaviour, I don't know what I was thinking. Luckily, that seemed to shake me out of it. It may have been reading the preceding messages that did it, every last one an overly sentimental paean addressed to a dead person who would never see it. Maybe it was the horrible pressure put on the Royals for their evil transgression of not being media whores who exploit emotion for their own dubious reasons. Maybe it was repeated exposure to Tony Blair's "people's princess" speech. Or perhaps it was the many re-showings of that godawful Martin Bashir interview with the vacant, manipulative tart in bambi eyeliner that did the trick. Whatever, by the time the funeral took place, I was back into my default, cynical misanthrope state of mind.
And for that I am truly grateful.

As long as I get to be Camus, not Sartre

You scored as Existentialism, Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal Existentialism 70% Utilitarianism 55% Hedonism 50% Justice (Fairness) 50% Kantianism 35% Apathy 5% Strong Egoism 5% Nihilism 5% Divine Command 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com