Eurotrash

"What did you learn at school today
That's what the teachers used to say"

Well, no, it isn't, is it? The teachers were the ones you were meant to be learning from; it was the parents who'd ask the above question actually.

Honestly, ancient Eurovision comedy rappers these days, tsk tsk...

And the newest zelebrities are...

There's this reality TV show called Big Brother. And it starts tonight. And I'm watching. Right now. Shock horror.

And what you all want to know, of course, is my first thoughts about the housemates. Quiet at the back there, you do so.

Bonnie - In intro video, she comes across as Lesley (BB6) mark two, quite arrogant and convinced of own general wonderfulness. In person, seems quite anxious and shy, but then so did Lesley on the first night last year, so we'll see.

Pete - Lee Evans on crack. Tourettes sufferer. Hey, let's mock the ill! What japes!

George - Token posh totty. Claims links to royalty. To the internet, oh researcher types!

Shahbaz - Scottish self-proclaimed "Paki Poof". Very outgoing so far in the house, the first to greet everyone after him. I like him so far.

Lea - Rank, plastic old mutton dressed as vacant tarty lamb. Claims to be 35. Add another 10 years and you might be closer.

Imogen - Reasonably pretty, girl-next-door type. Seems to think she's on an Isabella Rossellini level lookswise. In shades of the dodgy wannabe slapper from last year whose name has temporarily escaped me (oh the fickleness of fame, etc etc), she seems to think owning a vibrator makes her "kinky". No, the word you're looking for there is normal dear...

Mikey - Misogynist twat. No doubt under the impression that the "ladeez" love him.

Dawn - Miserable cow. In her intro, comes across as though she's a character in Mike Leigh's Naked. And yet, apparently thinks Mother Teresa and Bob Geldof are "good people", so clearly not quite cynical enough.

Glyn - Scrawny git. No other distinguishing features to speak of as yet.

Richard - "Sexual terrorist". Uh-huh. Gay Canadian. Walking stereotype. Downright peculiar quote - "I'd seduce a corpse. God knows I've tried" - I don't think he meant to say that a dead man turned him down somehow... He's got Shahbaz excited though.

Grace - Spoiled little rich girl. So Tanya (BB4?) mark two then. Marvellous.

Lisa - She's "in your face". With her, "what you see is what you get". And no doubt if she doesn't like you she'll tell you straight to your face, and other Big Brother housemate cliches. How wacky.

Sezer - Twat with a stupid name. No, make that extra-super-twatty-twat.

Nikki - Footballer's wife wannabe. All she wants is a rich man and his credit card. What an inspiring example to young girls everywhere. She's "special" apparently. Silly little girl.

And that's them all. On first impressions, this lot seems slightly less deliberately-designed-to-annoy than last year's selection, but I'm sure they'll manage it all the same...

Notes on Poland, part one

So, Krakow - cultural capital of Poland, home to numerous theatres, museums, art galleries and other culture vulture hangouts... but who needs any of that when you've got cheap beer, salt mines and death camps?

One thing I definitely didn't expect was to return home with a hankering for more Polish food. The signs were there - I like both beetroot and cabbage after all - but who knew everything would be quite so tasty? One word of warning though: if you ever go to a Chlopskie Jadlo outlet, don't get carried away with the complimentary bread and lard and the Best Cottage Cheese in the World Ever(TM), or you may well struggle to finish the rest of your meal. The food is ridiculously cheap by British standards, though this can lead to the mildly stupid problem of excessive bargain hunting; once you've discovered that you can get dinner for two, drinks and a tip all for the princely sum of approximately ten pounds sterling, stretching to as much as £15 seems like a ludicrous extravagance.

Despite the robust nature of the national cuisine, the Poles somehow seem to remain a fairly slim nation. Either that or their fatties are so obese they can't even get out of their front doors, and thus are hidden from the eye of the tourist. Maybe I've spotted a gap in the market, is it time for the Polish Diet book?

Our hotel was located just north of the Old Town, a perfect distance for strolling around admiring the architecture, and stopping every so often for a small refreshment. And fine refreshment it was too - the three main Polish beers, Tyskie, Okocim, and my personal favourite Zywiec are most pleasant beverages, and there are far worse ways to pass the hours than seated in one of the cafes lining Rynek Glowny with a glass in hand. And should you make it as far as Kazimierz, Alchemia also has the rich and chocolatey Zywiec Porter.

Still to come: The Street Of Which We Do Not Speak, the art of paranoia, and makeshift stars and stripy jammys

Bon Voyage to me

I had a hideous nightmare the other day. I dreamed that Garrison Keillor's none-more-hokey radio show was on, and I couldn't switch the damn thing off.

And then I woke up, and I did.

In other news, I'm going here for a holi-holi-day

so over and out till I return

A world of stupid

Some metatarsals, yesterday

You've got to love the English media: in the space of a few days they've gone from "England have a great football team, we've a great chance of winning the World Cup" to "Oh no! One of our players is injured! The end is nigh! We'll never win with those other no-hopers!"

Make up your minds, folks, either the team is more than one player, or you've been talking rot all this time. It's all rather amusing from a Scottish perspective, naturally.

The award for Most Idiotic Paedophiles must surely go to this lot:

Four men who wrote their mobile phone numbers on train toilet doors to try to attract young girls have pleaded guilty to a number of sexual offences.

...

Police said officers from Sussex, West Mercia and Northumbria forces, alongside British Transport Police, conducted a 10-month investigation into the paedophile ring.

The inquiry found that eight young girls, aged between seven and 13, had been subjected to "horrific" abuse.

And at an early stage in the inquiry, a local reporter posed as an 11-year-old girl to answer one of the graffiti adverts.

A message reading "girls, 8 to 13, wanted for sex" had appeared on the toilet doors of more than 20 trains, mostly in the Sussex area.

There's no way they could have predicted that graffiti on public transport would be seen by members of the public. Who might then pass on the information to the police. Who would then be able to contact them and set up a sting. Nope, a completely foolproof plan.

But then, some people pay good money for such stunning advice. Take for instance Marks and Spencer, or "Your M&S" as they may be known in future. Why waste time changing the merchandise available in the stores when a simple re-brand could take up all the available cash instead? Have they never heard of Consignia?

Prescott in rare "no hands up skirt" pose

It's difficult to tell who looks the most ridiculous in the whole John Prescott affair fiasco - Prescott himself for thinking he could get away with it or the mousy mistress for thinking that sleeping with the Deputy Prime Minister was in any way a good idea.

Neither of them emerges with any credit, Tracy Temple's trembling lip as she claimed to have been "betrayed" (no, that was his wife, you were party to the betrayal dear), and Prescott threatening to go to the Press Complaints Commission. Here's a hint for you John - if you do that, they'll keep on digging. Shut up and it might just go away...

The Great British Public can be a bit silly too, or at least the ones who take part in radio station polls. For instance, to find the most popular British music artist of all time. Here's the top ten:

1. Will Young
2. Robbie Williams
3. Paul McCartney
4. The Spice Girls
5. Coldplay
6. Sugababes
7. Take That
8. Gorillaz
9. Oasis
10. Beverley Knight

That's Most Popular OF ALL TIME.

Words fail me.

Googlequest a go go

I've succumbed to the lure of the Da Vinci Code Google Quest

Okay, so the book was hokey trash*, based on ludicrous nonsense, but I do like a puzzle, and the worldwide success of Dan Brown's work of literary genius has spawned some entertaining online diversions.

First came the original Webquest courtesy of Random House publishers, then the follow-up, Uncover The Code. Both follow a similar rationale, incorporating "homepages" of the characters, code breaking, symbology, and so on. The also take longer to complete that the book takes to read, engaging rather more brain cells as they do...

Now the upcoming film adaptation has lead to a link-up by Google and Sony to create a new quiz. It's accessed via your personalised Google homepage, and the clues require the use of assorted Google features to solve. Or alternatively, you could just look at either Lazylaces or GoogleFact if you happen to get stuck. There's a new puzzle every day, presumably up until the film release date, with the lure of prizes to tempt people in.

There really ought to be more book/quiz crossovers - I for one would welcome our new literary puzzlemeister overlords...

* If you want a good book on a similar subject, give Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco a try - though I should warn you, it can be quite tough work at times

Chernobyl, 20 years on

Chernobyl Legacy: a photo essay

Nuclear Nightmares: the story in pictures

Voices from Chernobyl

Chernobyl.info

Wildlife defies Chernobyl radiation

Chernobyl Children Lifeline

The body politic

The only surprise in the outcry over Patricia Hewitt's bizarre claim that the NHS has just had its best ever year is that it didn't happen earlier. After all, she made exactly the same claim weeks previously (in the interview I mentioned here) without the media at large seeming to pick up on it.

Maybe someone should point that out to Charles Clarke: it might salve his fears of a liberal media conspiracy to bring down New Labour. Of course if his department managed to avoid stupid mistakes like releasing foreign criminals recommended for deportation, maybe he wouldn't have such a problem.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of the house, David Cameron, while not boasting of his green credentials, is getting himself embroiled in spats with the BNP. A change from the campaign strategy of his party at the last election certainly, but apparently poorly timed for the English local elections.

The Lib Dems face a potential financial crisis as a prominent backer is charged with fraud, which makes a change from the personal pecadilloes of MPs being their biggest problem. And after the cynical hatchet job on Charles Kennedy, the party seems to be deciding that the new leader is a bit rubbish after all...

So with all the main parties seemingly trying their very hardest to alienate their core voters, what is the politically aware UK citizen to do? Well, if nothing else, we can always count our blessings that we don't live in the USA...

Creepy, creepy, creepy

"Purity Balls". Not at all weird. And no incestuous overtones whatsoever...

Teh internet is eee-villl!!!!!!!!!111

daily mail picnic

I guess I'll never be a nun then...

Your Results:
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.



1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Secular Humanism (91%)
3. Liberal Quakers (91%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (90%)
5. Neo-Pagan (74%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (72%)
7. Nontheist (66%)
8. Bah�'� Faith (63%)
9. New Age (63%)
10. Reform Judaism (60%)
11. Taoism (53%)
12. Mahayana Buddhism (52%)
13. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (50%)
14. New Thought (48%)
15. Orthodox Quaker (48%)
16. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (44%)
17. Scientology (42%)
18. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (38%)
19. Jainism (34%)
20. Sikhism (32%)
21. Orthodox Judaism (31%)
22. Jehovah's Witness (29%)
23. Islam (26%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (22%)
25. Hinduism (16%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (14%)
27. Roman Catholic (14%)

Say what?

The Daily Record, inspired by the highly dubious news that U2's One has apparently been voted the nation's favourite lyric in a poll by VH1 (I always knew the nation had dodgy taste) has published a list of what it considers the worst lyrics ever. It goes like so:

1. Now I'm a little shy I like to stay homeo' Shakespeare's my guy Julie and Romeo

BA Robertson, To Be Or Not To Be

2. Sit back, Rap attack, don't take no flack,
rhyme in time to the rhythm of the track.
I'm Ant, I'm Declan, a Duo, a Twosome,
So many lyrics we're frightened to use 'em.

PJ and Duncan (AKA Ant and Dec), Let's Get Ready To Rhumble

3. You say black I say white,
You say bark I say bite,
You say shark I say hey man,
Jaws was never my scene,
And I don't like Star Wars,

Queen, Bicycle Race

4. Desmond has a barrow in the market place,
Molly is the singer in a band.
Desmond says to Molly, girl I like your face,
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand...
Obladi oblada, life goes on.

The Beatles, Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da

5. It takes a little time sometimes, to get the Titanic turned back around.

Amy Grant, It Takes A Little Time

6. A Pizza Hut a Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut.
A Pizza Hut a Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut.
McDonald's McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut.

Fast Food Rockers, Fast Food Song

7. I'm as serious as cancer, When I say rhythm is a dancer.

Snap, Rhythm Is A Dancer

8. I walked through this place, although it wasn't really there.
And when I reached the other side, thought I didn't really care.
I moved round a bit, and started seeing people.
And the people that I met, oh were all covered in treacle.

UFO, Treacle People

9. Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got.
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block.
Used to have a little, now I have a lot.
No matter where I go, I know where I came from,
South-Side Bronx.

Jennifer Lopez, Jenny From The Block

10. I know I sound serious and baby I am.
You're a fine piece of real estate, and I'm gonna get me some land.

Shania Twain, I'm Gonna Getcha Good

11. I'm for real, it ain't no quirk,
My love is waiting the way a rapist would lurk.

Goldie Lookin' Chain, You Know I Loves You Baby

12. Now Sidney was a greaser with some nasty roots.
He poured a pint of Guinness over Benny's boots. Benny looked at Sidney,
Sidney stared right back in his eye.
Sidney chose a switchblade
And Benny got a cold meat pie.
Oh! what a terrible sight.

Emerson Lake and Palmer, Benny The Bouncer

13. Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony.
Side by side on my piano keyboard,
oh Lord, why don't we?

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder, Ebony And Ivory

14. More sacrifices than an aztec priest.
Standing here straining at that leash.
All fall down,
Can't complain,
Mustn't grumble,
Help yourself to another peace of apple crumble.

ABC, That Was Then But This Is Now

15. Did you see Lisa?
Yes I saw Lisa.
Is that why you're angry?
I wasn't angry.
Maybe a little.
Not even maybe.
Must be the weather.
Now don't be a baby.

Dean Friedman, Lucky Stars

16. And-a mama used to say all-a time:
What's-a matter you? Hey!
Gotta no respect.
What-a you t'ink you do?
Why you look-a so sad?
It's-a not so bad, it's-a nice-a place
Ahshaddap-a you face!

Joe Dolce, Shaddap You Face

17. You can tell my arms
Go back into the farm!
You can tell my feet to hit the floor.
You can tell my lips to tell my fingertips,
they won't be reaching out for you no more.
But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart.

Billy Ray Cyrus, Achy Breaky Heart

18. Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
So you don't confuse them with mountains.

Shakira, Whenever, Wherever

19. Your boyfriend he,
Went down on one knee.
Well could it be,
He's only got one knee?

Morrissey, King Leer

20. I'm a make, make, make, make you scream'
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump'
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

Black Eyed Peas, My Humps

I'm not entirely sure how Des'ree's "Life" managed to escape their attention (I'm afraid of the dark, especially when I'm in a park/ And there's no one else around, ooh I get the shivers/ I don't wanna see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most/I'd rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news).

Any other nominees, folks?

Blasphemy! Blasphemy! They've all got it. - oh hang on...

The McPassion

Not so cross now then...

A crucifixion too far as TV stunt backfires

Goateed buffoon Dominik Diamond

DOMINIK Diamond, a Scottish television and radio presenter, yesterday broke down in tears and refused to be nailed to a wooden cross as part of a re- enactment of the Passion of Christ in the Philippines.

What was to be the culmination of a Channel Five documentary provisionally titled Crucify Me, charting the presenter's journey to rediscover his faith, ended when Diamond was unable to go through the ordeal, which involves four-inch nails piercing the hands and feet of devotees.

Although Diamond was to be the first western visitor to take part in the ritual, in which committed Christians in the small village of San Pedro Cutud mark Easter by recreating the events of Good Friday, the presenter backed out at the last minute and was instead filmed weeping as he pressed his head to the cross and prayed.

Seven Filipino devotees went ahead with the ceremony and were nailed to crosses in front of hundreds of spectators.

As part of his spiritual journey, Diamond, who was raised a Catholic and presents the breakfast show on the Scottish radio station Xfm, visited the Vatican and spent time at an austere Jesuit retreat in Italy in order to decide if he was strong enough to undertake the crucifixion ritual in the Philippines. Before his departure, he said world events and personal incidents had left him questioning his faith.

...

Prior to his departure, he said: "I'm hopeful that this journey will help resolve my crisis of faith. I've been making a living in the media now for 15 years, I'm in my mid-thirties and I've got three kids.

"So if you're going to make the first serious programme you've ever done, you might as well aim high. So I thought I'd try to find God. It's about time I did something that didn't involve cheap gags."

...

A spokesman for the Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines cautioned that the traditions of flagellation and crucifixion during Holy Week trace their roots to animism and are not approved by the Church.

"They think that when they do that, they will receive blessings for the coming year. That is not a Christian idea," Monsignor Pedro Quitorio said. "If you have Christ in you, that's enough blessing. You don't need to duplicate what He did on the Cross."

The Church of Scotland had previously condemned Diamond's plans and said that he would be better off doing charity work.

Ooo-wah-oooooooooh

Saturday. 7.15pm. BBC1.
New Doctor Who.

Need I say more?

(no, but auntie beeb has lots of goodies to keep you amused here)

fu.nn.y

From here

Now you has....

Jazz hands!

Calling the new Mark Chapman

I'm not a big fan of the over-rated wife-beating hypocrite Lennon, but still...

Pete Doherty has claimed that he is "the new Lennon" as well as professing that he is his generation's most important rock star.

Gigwise.com reports that Doherty made his announcement to press after a Babyshambles show at a porn club in Austria.

The singer is quoting as saying: “The new Lennon — I like that. Honestly, I am the most important rock star now. And you will hear lots of great songs from me in the near future.”

Also on the cards seems to be a wedding to Kate Moss. "We are going to marry," Doherty promised. "It’s going to happen at a Scottish castle somewhere between September and November. A posh Scottish castle. That’s gonna be so cool.”

Twat.

We're so continental these days...

Finally Scotland has caught up with our sophisticated European chums - we've got bird flu too!

Who says you can't learn some interesting things on the internet?


Best not take everything at face value though....