Big Brother's Big Dreams, part 1 - Mikey

Waaaaay back in the distant past (or Big Brother 5 as it's also known), I had a little site - currently lurking here - with the imagined dreams of the reality TV contestants.
Because I'm easily amused that way.
Turns out I really couldn't be arsed last year (well, it was a bit dull really), but this lot are starting to give me ideas. No, not that kind, behave yourself.
Although, having said that, I'm going to start with the least interesting of them. Just to get him out of the way....

Mikey's Dream

I look like Vernon Kay











The End


(well come on, if there's nothing registering when he's awake....)

Holi-holi-holocaust

I left the blue and white stripy jacket at home, and only on the way out did it occur to me to construct a star from the tour group stickers. I even resisted the temptation to do an "amusing" frying-on-the-electrified-fence photo op. I'm dead respectful, me. Sort of.

What better way to spend a sunny day in Poland than on a day trip to Auschwitz and Birkenau? That seems to be the prevailing theme amongst visitors. Bar the groups of bored schoolchildren, the obviously more emotional veterans, and the busloads of elderly Germans (checking out the Fuhrer's handiwork? Belatedly atoning for their sins? Who knows...), many tourists give the impression of Auschwitz being just another sight to tick off the list - been there, done that. And thus, in the group we visited with, the "lad's holiday" bunch posing beside a Halt sign, and the distracted women discussing kitchen makeovers while walking along the Birkenau railway unloading platform. Thankfully the clearly uncomfortable guide cut short the round of applause (for her) beside the remains of one of the crematoria...

But then, these buildings alone don't tell the full story of the industrial slaughter which took place here. Even standing inside the gas chamber in Auschwitz, passing by the furnaces used to burn the corpses, the experience can seem unreal. The structures at Auschwitz and the partially-destroyed ruins at Birkenau left by the retreating Nazis before the camp's liberation in January 1945 give us an insight into the technicalities of the Holocaust - evidence for the existence of gas chambers, the presence of the deadly gas Cyclon B, the railway infrastructure used for the transportation of the victims, the cramped and unsanitary living conditions of those forced into labour, the tiny punishment cells political prisoners and Soviet P.O.W.s were subjected to.

It is the exhibition rooms which really hit home: displays packed with the hair shorn from women prisoners; piles of twisted glasses taken from those who longer needed their sight; prosthetic limbs, shoes and brushes; baby clothes, serving bowls and Jewish prayer shawls; cases marked with the names and addresses of those who were made victims of genocide. If it was possible to plunder something from the victims to return to the Fatherland, then it was done - the Jews were not people, just commodities to be stripped and destroyed.

In many ways, this part of the visit reminded me to an earlier trip to Oradour-sur-Glane, a French village outside Orleans which was destroyed by the Nazis in 1944, and which still stands today as it did then as a memorial to those who lost their lives. It's the small details which remind us of the humanity of those who perished: these were not just numbers tattooed on skin, but individuals with possessions, with homes, with personalities, hopes and dreams which were snuffed out.

And that we should Never Forget.

Pigtail
Tadeusz Rózewicz (trans. Adam Czerniawski)

When all the women in the transport
had their heads shaved
four workmen with brooms made of birch twigs
swept up
and gathered up the hair

Behind clean glass
the stiff hair lies
of those suffocated in gas chambers
there are pins and side combs
in this hair

The hair is not shot through with light
is not parted by the breeze
is not touched by any hand
or rain or lips

In huge chests
clouds of dry hair
of those suffocated
and a faded plait
a pigtail with a ribbon
pulled at school
by naughty boys.

The Museum, Auschwitz 1948

Further reading

Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial and Museum
Holocaust Survivors
The Holocaust History Project
The Nizkor Project
Galicia Jewish Museum
World Holocaust Forum
Laurence Rees - Auschwitz: the Nazis and the "Final Solution"
Primo Levi - If This Is A Man/The Truce

Big Brother Is Watching You...

There's no escape from Big Brother. Not even in a Polish salt mine.

On the left here we have Princess Kinga, the Hungarian wife of King Boleslaw V the Bashful. According to legend, before their marriage, she threw her ring into a salt mine in her native land. When, upon her instructions, prospective mining began in Wieliczka, the first salt rock extracted miraculously contained said ring.

Her proclivities as regards wine bottles are, unfortunately, not recorded...

The Art of the Polish Poster

Wieslaw Walkuski

We may not have made it as far as an actual gallery on the Krakow trip, but there was a slight cultural diversion - a visit to the poster shop Galeria Plakatu. Previous to visiting, I was unaware of the wonderful world of Polish poster art, but thankfully that has now changed. They take their posters seriously in Poland - no dull, run of the mill film or theatre advertising will suffice when there are a group of highly talented, highly individualistic artists around to give a personal reflection and twist on the enterprise. And in keeping with Polish history of the past century, much of the art is somewhat unsettling - faces rip open to reveal a hidden identity within, objects and people morph and change, and things are never quite what they seem. And then there are the clowns. The creepy, freaky clowns (like there's any other type). Clowns which aren't happy to restrict themselves to circus posters, but sneak into other designs just to catch you out.

Andrzej Pagowski

Wiktor Sadowski

Jerzy Flisak

Stasys Eidrigevicius

Wiktor Gorka

This is just a representative sample of the talented bunch at work, for more examples, there are a range of online stores to investigate:
Polish Posters Shop
Polish-Poster.com
Polish Poster Gallery
The Art of Poster
Contemporary Posters

Eurotrash

"What did you learn at school today
That's what the teachers used to say"

Well, no, it isn't, is it? The teachers were the ones you were meant to be learning from; it was the parents who'd ask the above question actually.

Honestly, ancient Eurovision comedy rappers these days, tsk tsk...

And the newest zelebrities are...

There's this reality TV show called Big Brother. And it starts tonight. And I'm watching. Right now. Shock horror.

And what you all want to know, of course, is my first thoughts about the housemates. Quiet at the back there, you do so.

Bonnie - In intro video, she comes across as Lesley (BB6) mark two, quite arrogant and convinced of own general wonderfulness. In person, seems quite anxious and shy, but then so did Lesley on the first night last year, so we'll see.

Pete - Lee Evans on crack. Tourettes sufferer. Hey, let's mock the ill! What japes!

George - Token posh totty. Claims links to royalty. To the internet, oh researcher types!

Shahbaz - Scottish self-proclaimed "Paki Poof". Very outgoing so far in the house, the first to greet everyone after him. I like him so far.

Lea - Rank, plastic old mutton dressed as vacant tarty lamb. Claims to be 35. Add another 10 years and you might be closer.

Imogen - Reasonably pretty, girl-next-door type. Seems to think she's on an Isabella Rossellini level lookswise. In shades of the dodgy wannabe slapper from last year whose name has temporarily escaped me (oh the fickleness of fame, etc etc), she seems to think owning a vibrator makes her "kinky". No, the word you're looking for there is normal dear...

Mikey - Misogynist twat. No doubt under the impression that the "ladeez" love him.

Dawn - Miserable cow. In her intro, comes across as though she's a character in Mike Leigh's Naked. And yet, apparently thinks Mother Teresa and Bob Geldof are "good people", so clearly not quite cynical enough.

Glyn - Scrawny git. No other distinguishing features to speak of as yet.

Richard - "Sexual terrorist". Uh-huh. Gay Canadian. Walking stereotype. Downright peculiar quote - "I'd seduce a corpse. God knows I've tried" - I don't think he meant to say that a dead man turned him down somehow... He's got Shahbaz excited though.

Grace - Spoiled little rich girl. So Tanya (BB4?) mark two then. Marvellous.

Lisa - She's "in your face". With her, "what you see is what you get". And no doubt if she doesn't like you she'll tell you straight to your face, and other Big Brother housemate cliches. How wacky.

Sezer - Twat with a stupid name. No, make that extra-super-twatty-twat.

Nikki - Footballer's wife wannabe. All she wants is a rich man and his credit card. What an inspiring example to young girls everywhere. She's "special" apparently. Silly little girl.

And that's them all. On first impressions, this lot seems slightly less deliberately-designed-to-annoy than last year's selection, but I'm sure they'll manage it all the same...

Notes on Poland, part one

So, Krakow - cultural capital of Poland, home to numerous theatres, museums, art galleries and other culture vulture hangouts... but who needs any of that when you've got cheap beer, salt mines and death camps?

One thing I definitely didn't expect was to return home with a hankering for more Polish food. The signs were there - I like both beetroot and cabbage after all - but who knew everything would be quite so tasty? One word of warning though: if you ever go to a Chlopskie Jadlo outlet, don't get carried away with the complimentary bread and lard and the Best Cottage Cheese in the World Ever(TM), or you may well struggle to finish the rest of your meal. The food is ridiculously cheap by British standards, though this can lead to the mildly stupid problem of excessive bargain hunting; once you've discovered that you can get dinner for two, drinks and a tip all for the princely sum of approximately ten pounds sterling, stretching to as much as £15 seems like a ludicrous extravagance.

Despite the robust nature of the national cuisine, the Poles somehow seem to remain a fairly slim nation. Either that or their fatties are so obese they can't even get out of their front doors, and thus are hidden from the eye of the tourist. Maybe I've spotted a gap in the market, is it time for the Polish Diet book?

Our hotel was located just north of the Old Town, a perfect distance for strolling around admiring the architecture, and stopping every so often for a small refreshment. And fine refreshment it was too - the three main Polish beers, Tyskie, Okocim, and my personal favourite Zywiec are most pleasant beverages, and there are far worse ways to pass the hours than seated in one of the cafes lining Rynek Glowny with a glass in hand. And should you make it as far as Kazimierz, Alchemia also has the rich and chocolatey Zywiec Porter.

Still to come: The Street Of Which We Do Not Speak, the art of paranoia, and makeshift stars and stripy jammys

Bon Voyage to me

I had a hideous nightmare the other day. I dreamed that Garrison Keillor's none-more-hokey radio show was on, and I couldn't switch the damn thing off.

And then I woke up, and I did.

In other news, I'm going here for a holi-holi-day

so over and out till I return

A world of stupid

Some metatarsals, yesterday

You've got to love the English media: in the space of a few days they've gone from "England have a great football team, we've a great chance of winning the World Cup" to "Oh no! One of our players is injured! The end is nigh! We'll never win with those other no-hopers!"

Make up your minds, folks, either the team is more than one player, or you've been talking rot all this time. It's all rather amusing from a Scottish perspective, naturally.

The award for Most Idiotic Paedophiles must surely go to this lot:

Four men who wrote their mobile phone numbers on train toilet doors to try to attract young girls have pleaded guilty to a number of sexual offences.

...

Police said officers from Sussex, West Mercia and Northumbria forces, alongside British Transport Police, conducted a 10-month investigation into the paedophile ring.

The inquiry found that eight young girls, aged between seven and 13, had been subjected to "horrific" abuse.

And at an early stage in the inquiry, a local reporter posed as an 11-year-old girl to answer one of the graffiti adverts.

A message reading "girls, 8 to 13, wanted for sex" had appeared on the toilet doors of more than 20 trains, mostly in the Sussex area.

There's no way they could have predicted that graffiti on public transport would be seen by members of the public. Who might then pass on the information to the police. Who would then be able to contact them and set up a sting. Nope, a completely foolproof plan.

But then, some people pay good money for such stunning advice. Take for instance Marks and Spencer, or "Your M&S" as they may be known in future. Why waste time changing the merchandise available in the stores when a simple re-brand could take up all the available cash instead? Have they never heard of Consignia?

Prescott in rare "no hands up skirt" pose

It's difficult to tell who looks the most ridiculous in the whole John Prescott affair fiasco - Prescott himself for thinking he could get away with it or the mousy mistress for thinking that sleeping with the Deputy Prime Minister was in any way a good idea.

Neither of them emerges with any credit, Tracy Temple's trembling lip as she claimed to have been "betrayed" (no, that was his wife, you were party to the betrayal dear), and Prescott threatening to go to the Press Complaints Commission. Here's a hint for you John - if you do that, they'll keep on digging. Shut up and it might just go away...

The Great British Public can be a bit silly too, or at least the ones who take part in radio station polls. For instance, to find the most popular British music artist of all time. Here's the top ten:

1. Will Young
2. Robbie Williams
3. Paul McCartney
4. The Spice Girls
5. Coldplay
6. Sugababes
7. Take That
8. Gorillaz
9. Oasis
10. Beverley Knight

That's Most Popular OF ALL TIME.

Words fail me.