Whoop-de-doo, I'm fucking old

to meeeeeeee!

With these film classification descriptions you are really spoiling us

Since the British Board of Film Classification began adding descriptive text to their certificates, reading about cinema releases has been much more fun. Take, for example, the current film schedule at the DCA.

If it's violence you're after, then there's a wide variety to choose from. There's mild peril for the kiddies (Spirited Away), mild violence (The Blood of a Poet), moderate violence (The Walker), bloody violence (Ten Canoes), action-adventure violence (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End), war violence (The Dam Busters) and, of course, strong violence including sexual violence and scene of degradation and torture (Salo) - good old Pasolini.

If you prefer your film experience with added swearing, then perhaps you should opt for Billy Liar (mild language), Water (moderate language), The Night of the Sunflowers (strong language), Paris, je t'aime (very strong language). Or if that's a bit too much for you, best stick to The Seventh Seal, with it's "language". I'm assuming they don't mean Swedish (be warned though, this film also contains "threat", whatever that means)

But never mind that, where's the sex, I hear you cry. Well Golden Door contains "natural nudity", Brief Encounter apparently has "mild sex references" (terribly, terribly polite ones, of course), Fire offers up "infrequent sex" and The Killing of a Chinese Bookie "moderate nudity", Molière proffers a mere "one scene of moderate sex" and Shadows "moderate sex references". If the "strong sex" of The Lives of Others doesn't appeal, then perhaps Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer's "mild innuendo" would be more your cup of tea. (Incidentally, Goldfinger is apparently free of this, and, indeed any other need for warning. Apparently having a main character called Pussy Galore isn't innuendo in their world. Bizarre)

My very favourite classification in this bunch, however, has to be that for A Woman Under the Influence. Watch out, folks, this film contains "emotional intensity".


Many more warnings here.

My Childhood Hell, part one

Bookstores these days have entire sections devoted to "Tragic Life Stories", so, never one to shy from extremely belatedly jumping on a tawdry bandwagon, it's time to share some of my own youthful traumas.

Number one - I live to dance!

Way back in the mists of time, I wanted to be a ballerina. I believe this syndrome is commonly referred to as "being a girl". Accordingly, I was signed up for ballet and tap lessons at the local community centre. I think my mum still has my turquoise leotard with added frills and tiny ballet shoes lurking somewhere. So anyway, it was most enjoyable (tap more so, as it happens, it's great fun), and I even got some crappy medals via the yearly exams.

As a dancing fan, I was naturally very keen when my parents asked if I'd like to go and see Scottish Ballet perform as a birthday treat. Yes! Of course I would! What could be better?

Well, this certainly couldn't.














Having built up my hopes, the evil grown-ups then either couldn't get hold of/baulked at the price of the ballet tickets (I know which one my money's on). So, instead, I was taken along to see Keith Harris and Orville.

Yeah, thanks.

On a related note, my dancing days soon came to a premature end when shooting leg pains associated with flat feet made it far too painful to continue. Oh the hardship etc.


By the way, for a proper antidote to all the tales of woe cluttering up the bookshelves, I heartily reccommend this delightful tome: Andrew Collins - Where Did It All Go Right?

Daily Mail Readers In Uninformed Outrage Shocker

Example one.

Example two.

There's plenty more, but I wouldn't be so cruel as to expose my poor readers to such things...

Now that's more like it, Amazon

Now they're recommending this lot:

Classics of German Cinema
with the following films:
Der Golem, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Asphalt, The Blue Angel and Munchausen.

I can sort-of see the point in the inclusion of the latter film (though these two doozies may have been a more accurate reflection of Nazi cinema), but would a bit of Murnau really have killed them?

Jean-Luc Godard Collection Vol.1
with the following films:
Alphaville, Passion, À bout de souffle, Made In USA, and two unnamed others.

Now, call me fussy, but it's quite useful to know in advance what films you're getting. If say, Les Carabiniers, Prénom: Carmen, or Le Mépris, are amongst them, then I'd rather skip it.
If, however Weekend, Pierrot le fou, Vivre sa vie, Une Femme est Une Femme, Bande à Part or Deux ou Trois Choses Que Je Sais d'Elle are in the mix then that's quite another matter..

Of course I've already got a nice little Godard collection myself,. so it's fairly irrelevant to me anyways :)

Shameful Confession Time

I was watching The Queen round at my mother's house yesterday, and it brought back some horrible memories.

On 31st August 1997, I was (surprise!) struggling to sleep, and thus was listening to BBC Five on the radio. News came in that there had been a car crash in Paris, that Dodi Fayed was dead, and Princess Diana injured. As later reports gave more details, it was announced that she had also died.

I went to work at 12.00, positioned myself in the cookware section of the shop due to it having a radio, and kept the news on, informing assorted unaware customers that yes, what they were hearing was true. At the time, we were selling cut-out Diana postcards, so I had them removed from display.

Being a bit of a news junkie in any case, I was caught up in the media whirl surrounding the event, as the feeding frenzy reached saturation point. And here's the really shameful part: on the Wednesday or Thursday, I don't remember which, I headed into town after work, spent over two hours queuing at Glasgow City Chambers, and signed a book of condolence.

I know, I know, horrific behaviour, I don't know what I was thinking. Luckily, that seemed to shake me out of it. It may have been reading the preceding messages that did it, every last one an overly sentimental paean addressed to a dead person who would never see it. Maybe it was the horrible pressure put on the Royals for their evil transgression of not being media whores who exploit emotion for their own dubious reasons. Maybe it was repeated exposure to Tony Blair's "people's princess" speech. Or perhaps it was the many re-showings of that godawful Martin Bashir interview with the vacant, manipulative tart in bambi eyeliner that did the trick. Whatever, by the time the funeral took place, I was back into my default, cynical misanthrope state of mind.
And for that I am truly grateful.

As long as I get to be Camus, not Sartre

You scored as Existentialism, Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal Existentialism 70% Utilitarianism 55% Hedonism 50% Justice (Fairness) 50% Kantianism 35% Apathy 5% Strong Egoism 5% Nihilism 5% Divine Command 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

Snap!

I was round my mum's house on Friday, and, due to a severe lack of anything better to do, we ended up watching America's Got Talent. I avoided the British version due to an aversion to circus tricks, "cute" kids and performing animals. The lucky Americans appear to be similarly afflicted (with an added dose of annoying warbling singers), but there was one stand-out highlight that had us in stitches - Bobby Badfingers.

The world's only professional snappist (there's not more competition in the field? Well whoda thunk it?), Mr Badfingers dresses like a refugee from the early eighties, does a bit of dodgy dancing, and snaps his fingers in a maniacal style. The man's a star. And there's more of him right here.

I Can't Go Back To Savoury Now - John Shuttleworth

He's right you know, you can't

"Betsie dull", say Amazon

Good old Amazon and their recommendations. They sent me an e-mail today in the belief that I'd be interested in this:

The Role of Elites in the Spanish Transition to Democracy (1975-1981): Motors of Change?
Christopher Hill
Synopsis
This study seeks to analyze the influence of individuals in democratic transitions, using Spain as a case study and examining, in particular, the role of elite actors in the process. This study should appeal to scholars interested in political science, history, and Hispanic studies. This book seeks to analyze the specific role elite actors played in the process of Spain's democratic transition, thereby demonstrating the influence of individuals in creating political change. Though utilizing Spain as a case study, the nature of the analysis allows for the findings to be applied to democratic transitions as a general political process and not simply constrained to the example in question.

Sound riveting, no? And an absolute bargain at a mere £71.94. I'll have two please!

In other news...

Isn't that Andrew Collins a lovely chap?

And Grace Dent rocks :)

Perth: the world's most thrilling town

Here's the big news in town today, as reported in the Dundeh Courier

A Perth man was arrested after he was caught feeding the birds—wearing nothing but a back-to-front thong.

Little was left to the imagination of shocked onlookers close to David Batchelor’s home in the Muirton area of the city last month.

They promptly called the police and the 58-year-old has now admitted a charge of breaching the peace.

Batchelor admits that on June 7 he conducted himself in a disorderly manner by repeatedly and indecently walking between the common close of 64 Carnegie Place and the public street while wearing only a thong as clothing.

The charge states that, as the thong was on the wrong way round, his private parts were exposed and he thereby committed a breach of the peace.

Batchelor is set to be sentenced at Perth Sheriff Court on August 22.

My, the fun just never stops around here...

Bravo!

Many thanks to Talent in a Previous Life for giving a blow-by-blow account of yesterday's Live Earth concert shenanigans - courageously sitting through an abundance of interminably dull bollocks so the rest of us didn't have to. People get medals for less, you know.

Here we go again

It's 6.52am.
The sun is shining.
And I'm wide awake.
Bastard fucking insomnia, how I hate you so.

And I can't give the fucking post a title.
Great...

What the internet was invented for

RIP George Melly

One hell of a chap

And the prize for most ridiculous spam subject header of the day goes to...

"Freddy Kruger wears Rolex"

Well, that's me sold

Over-reactions and crappy bombers R Us

I've just been informed by the BBC six o'clock new on telly that this image:



"haunts Scotland: terrorism smashing into people's lives" (you can see the report in question here, though I suspect it'll only work in the UK (thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded etc etc))

Does it fuck! It's a car smashing into a window and setting the driver on fire, no need to exaggerate, for god's sake. Mind you, the vaguest hint of "turrrism" and common sense seems to fly out the window. Apparently Scotland has "changed" now, we're all deeply affected by the weekend's events. Well sure, it inconvenienced people at Glasgow Airport, in the street in Houston where the suspects live, and workers and visitors to the Royal Alexandra Hospital where one suspect works and the other is being treated. Everywhere else is very much business as usual.

Another bit of nonsense I've heard repeated on various news reports since is a claim that the vehicle itself shouldn't have been able to get so close to the airport building in the first place. Well, that would be pretty simple actually. Have a look at the photo below. The road closest to the building is supposedly only open to public transport. The road to the front of the picture is the official drop off point. There aren't barriers between the two areas, so anyone with half a mind to get across would merely have to mount the pavement. Not exactly a huge task. Though, after getting that far, the best you could possibly hope for was to get far enough into the building to reach some usually unoccupied airline help desks. That'll bring the infidels to their knees...



It was all a bit pathetic, frankly, as were the London car bombs. Apparently, the suspects were already being watched, so that may have lead them to rush their plans. That would explain the somewhat shoddy nature of the attacks. I almost hope so for their sakes; how embarrassing must it be to set yourself up as a heroic suicide bomber and then fail so spectacularly?

British terrorists really are an unimaginative lot. There are many, many towns in the UK with perfectly acceptable targets, and yet they largely concentrate on London. Spread the fear, dammit! Choose a target the police wouldn't work out you'd be going for! There are plenty of public buildings in our cities that would be easier to attack due the complete lack of any security (I used to walk around Glasgow back in the day, seeing how far I could get into places I shouldn't have been, just for the hell of it. Well, it's something to do...). If you can't think of anything yourselves, take some lessons from the IRA! They did quite well on the bombing things front.

Sheesh...


An unrelated aside: I do rather like the fact that Auntie Beeb has this as one of the top stories on the website. Good to see proper news values aren't completely dead...
(And that Doctor Who post will be along just as soon as I work out whether the last episode was irredeemably shit, or just a little bit shit)