The Thick Of It

Here at heavens to betsie, we're not afraid to tackle the big issues, risking controversy and opprobrium in search of the major stories. And today is no different, for this is one of the most contentious subjects in the world today -




Yes, that's right, it's the thorny matter of sliced bread thickness.

I may as well begin by stating that I personally favour a substantial slice, a preference which has only been intensified by, on recent shopping trips, facing near-empty shelves with only the dreaded so-called "medium" sliced loaves remaining.

The main problems with this dubious product seem to me to be as follows:

1. When preparing a sandwich, anything more than the lightest of touches with the spread and/or filling of your choice results in the bread ripping apart. As the whole point of the average sandwich is to contain other ingredients within the outer bread layer, this is clearly a fatal flaw. Medium sliced bread just isn't sturdy enough to cope.

2. Toast, that perennial breakfast favourite and student/cheapskate staple food, is at it's best when the crunchy outer layer contrasts with the soft fluffy texture of the bread's interior. With medium slices, this effect is minimised, leaving a tougher, less satisfying snack. Not only that, but the damn stuff takes less time to toast, what with there being less of it and all, so unless you're a cleverclogs genius who remembers to turn down the setting, you'll end up with too-brown toast. Hard, burnt bread. Yum.

3. Toastie making can become a health hazard, as, when making any variety involving cheese (and as all right-thinking people know, you can never have enough cheese), the flimsy medium slice has the bizarre habit of leaking cheese not just at the edges, but right through the bread itself. Third degree burns are definitely Not a Good Thing.

And yet, people buy the darned stuff - according to this site, three of the top five selling brands in the UK are medium sliced. So have I got it all wrong? Is bread meant to fall apart when you try to use it for anything? Am I just a nutcase with bizarre taste? Even more than normal, that is?

Answers on a (suitably sturdy) postcard please...