Help

Someone tell me what to write. I can't think on my own anymore...

Pot Noodle - a healthy and nutritious food source

It isn't really, is it?

elbow - grounds for divorce

Gasp!

George Harrison came back from the dead to kidnap Maddy! Oh noes!

These are absolutely delicious. Just thought I'd share :)

Festive Gripe

Christmas and New Year are shit, and families are vile.


Oh, for a hermit's cave (with an internet connection)...

Ra Big Gemme

So it's crunch time.
The rest of Scotland seems to be full of confidence.
I don't like it when they do that :(

I have a bad feeling.

But hopefully I'll report back later that I was being overly pessimistic.
That would be nice...

Woohoo! or something similar

So Glasgow will be hosting the 2014 Commonwealth Games.


I shall now try very hard to summon some enthusiasm regarding this news.



Nope, nothing yet...



(I'm back, by the way)

Hiatus

Back whenever.

Blockage

Gah, I can't think what to write.

Someone else think of something, will you?

Gah...

Postural hypotension can fuck right off.

That is all.

Ha ha!

The oats have it

Who says Scotland isn't at the cutting edge of technology?

Porridge bowl sets world record

The biggest bowl of porridge ever made has been created in Edinburgh, breaking the world record.

Weighing 81.2kg, the huge breakfast was expected to fill up to 2,000 bowls at the Edinburgh Farmers' Market.

The feat broke the existing world record, which was set at 66.26 kg at a farmers' market event in Warwickshire in January.

They've only gone and done it!

Korma Chameleon

Dear Tesco,

Thank you very much for having a product research day in store today, my detailed assessment of your two chicken korma samples just saved me from having to make lunch.

Regards,
Betsie

In related news, as overheard on the bus today: "These days you have to ask the driver if you want to go to Tesco, you can't tell if they will or not". Some belated advice, my dear - try looking at the fucking timetable, where it clearly states which buses go where and when. Or if that's too difficult, try looking at the front of the fucking bus, where you can tell whether it's going via Tesco by the big fucking letters saying "via Tesco". I'm just full of helpful tips, aren't I?

In unrelated news, it's the final of Big Brother 7 tonight. Who wins? Who cares! (edit: it is, of course, Big Brother 8. Which does somewhat demonstrate just how dire it's been. If someone who has watched it all from the start gets that wrong, something is clearly rotten in the state of Endemol)

And in irrelevant to the universe as a whole news: Princess Diana In Still Dead Shocker.

The new suede skirt

Note to self: I really need to stop buying mini-skirts, I'm getting a bit too old for such things. However, this was no ordinary skirt: no, this was (almost) the skirt I've been dreaming about for years. Let me explain..

When I was a small child, one of my very favourite things to do was play with my dressing-up box. This was an old wicker number, filled to the brim (or was that just my amazing packing skills making an early appearance?) with my mum's discarded 1970s outfits. There was a grand selection - the yellow polka dot jacket and skirt combo was a real winner, and the baby blue platform shoes were great fun to fall over in. One piece, however, stood head and shoulders over the rest: the brown suede wrapover miniskirt. It was a real beauty, and delightfully tactile. How I longed for the day when I'd be big enough to wear it properly!

However, fate was not on my side. By the time I'd finally grown up enough to nab it, someone had purged that box of wonders. My skirt was gone, and I was devastated. Ever since then, I've been on a lookout for the mythical suede number, but nothing has ever quite measured up. The green one is nice, but it's green. Various other soft fabrics have tried to act as substitute, but they really haven't measured up. Even this new one isn't quite right - it's not got the wrapover thing going on - but it is brown, suede, and only cost a fiver, so I guess it'll do for now..

Woohoo!

Woohoo!


Chris Morris and Peep Show team up

They won't say what it's about, they won't say when it's coming, but it doesn't matter: Chris Morris and the creators of Peep Show are collaborating and you can't miss it. Not least because whenever it comes, anything by Morris will cause a storm in the press.

Morris is best known for spiky satires such as Brass Eye and The Day Today, which so precisely cut through news and documentary television clichés that they're as painful as they are funny to watch. Whereas Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong are on a high writing the fifth series of Channel 4's Peep Show plus a second US pilot version.

It's Armstrong who has confirmed the project but won't reveal specifics: "I can't say anything more at the moment. Chris will announce further details when he wants to."

Woohoo! Woohoo! Woohoo!

Some mistake surely. I'm always late.

Your Score: Sometimes late.

You scored 60%!

You just need some training and discipline. You are probably late intentionally, but you seem to lose the track of time often.

Link: The Am I punctual Test written by wildlikestorm on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Wendy Who?

So, Wendy Alexander is to be the new leader of Scottish Labour. It's almost as if they don't want me to vote for them. Would it really have hurt some in the Labour Party to support another candidate, as least giving the impression that she was democratically elected? Not that the SNP's second-in-command Nicola Sturgeon is an improvement in any way, they're equally annoying .

However, even more annoying than either of them is Wendy's brother, Douglas Alexander. Many years back now, before he became Gordon Brown's little buddy down at Westminster, he was the Labour candidate in the Perth and Kinross by-election (caused by the death of Tory nutjob Nicky Fairbairn). There was a special "Words With Wark" (Scottish political TV show of the day, hosted by Kirsty Wark) in the run-up to polling day, and I was in the audience to ask a question of the UKIP guy (why are you such a fucking half-witted bigot, only put more politely).

The highlight of that was, of course, meeting the delightful Screaming Lord Sutch, but afterwards I tagged along to the Labour Party do elsewhere in town (they had a bigger draw than the other parties: Glenda Jackson and Gordon Brown won me over to the red side. If the SNP had invited Sean Connery along, I'd have gone there instead).

So, with two chances to view Mr Alexander in action in one night, what lasting impression did he leave? Not a good one. He came across as a New Labour robot, speaking in all the correct buzz words, devoid of emotional connection in anything he uttered, and incapable of comprehending sufficiently questions asked of him so sticking rigidly to the preprogrammed script. So, just a typical modern British politician then. God forbid they should have a soul.

In the end, he was soundly defeated by the SNP's Roseanna Cunningham (who actually has some principles, amazingly enough. And still uses public transport. It's a miracle!), but the Alexander clan continued their ascent through the political ranks

Lucky us...