The Thick Of It

Here at heavens to betsie, we're not afraid to tackle the big issues, risking controversy and opprobrium in search of the major stories. And today is no different, for this is one of the most contentious subjects in the world today -




Yes, that's right, it's the thorny matter of sliced bread thickness.

I may as well begin by stating that I personally favour a substantial slice, a preference which has only been intensified by, on recent shopping trips, facing near-empty shelves with only the dreaded so-called "medium" sliced loaves remaining.

The main problems with this dubious product seem to me to be as follows:

1. When preparing a sandwich, anything more than the lightest of touches with the spread and/or filling of your choice results in the bread ripping apart. As the whole point of the average sandwich is to contain other ingredients within the outer bread layer, this is clearly a fatal flaw. Medium sliced bread just isn't sturdy enough to cope.

2. Toast, that perennial breakfast favourite and student/cheapskate staple food, is at it's best when the crunchy outer layer contrasts with the soft fluffy texture of the bread's interior. With medium slices, this effect is minimised, leaving a tougher, less satisfying snack. Not only that, but the damn stuff takes less time to toast, what with there being less of it and all, so unless you're a cleverclogs genius who remembers to turn down the setting, you'll end up with too-brown toast. Hard, burnt bread. Yum.

3. Toastie making can become a health hazard, as, when making any variety involving cheese (and as all right-thinking people know, you can never have enough cheese), the flimsy medium slice has the bizarre habit of leaking cheese not just at the edges, but right through the bread itself. Third degree burns are definitely Not a Good Thing.

And yet, people buy the darned stuff - according to this site, three of the top five selling brands in the UK are medium sliced. So have I got it all wrong? Is bread meant to fall apart when you try to use it for anything? Am I just a nutcase with bizarre taste? Even more than normal, that is?

Answers on a (suitably sturdy) postcard please...

RIP Vladimir Tretchikoff

How to...

Mmm, salmony, beetrooty goodness...

Monkeying Around

I'd be recommending this Spiegel article on title alone - The Two Apes within Us: Hippy Sex Fiends and Brutal Machiavellians - but it turns out it's actually interesting too. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's chimptastic (yeah, yeah, I'll just go shoot myself now...)

Ryanair have acquired a sense of humour...

You know it makes sense...

Don't be so mean to poor Aisleyne

So, Big Brother. If you want to know what I think about the whole former housemates coming back twist, just go and read this post from Grace Dent's Big Brother blog. In fact, read the whole thing from Day One onwards, she's amazingly spot-on about most things BB-related. Her only bad point is that she shares a first name with the water-throwing hypocritical bully in the House Next Door.

The Big Brother producers like every series to have a cast of stereotypical characters for us to variously love and loathe: there's the Funny Camp Man (Brian, Marco, Richard); the Person On A "Journey" (Nadia, to acceptance, Glyn, to adulthood); the Thick But Lovable Blonde (Helen, Jade, Nikki); and of course, the Villain (Nick, Stuart, Victor and Jason, Makosi). It is this latter role that has been assigned to Aisleyne. Highlights show edits, the prejudices of the various spin-off show hosts, and the barbed, self-serving comments of former housemates have all demonstrated this. The Digital Spy forum has descended into its usual name-calling state of war on the subject, and I'm not braving the txtspk of the Channel 4 forums to check, but I'm guess there's a whole heap of bile to be found therein.

Unfortunately for them all, the target just isn't evil enough for the label given to her. As far as I can tell, Aisleyne's main crimes seem to be that she looks a bit rough first thing in the morning, that she has had different moods throughout her time in the house, and she expresses her opinions, which she is capable of changing. These last two apparently make her "fake" and "two-faced". Or, as most rational people would call it, having a multi-faceted personality, doubting your own decisions, and showing some vague degree of depth. How awful of her, she must be publicly humiliated a la Makosi last year! Oh, and I almost forgot, some people dislike her choice of underwear. Clearly a case for a lynch mob then...

As for the show presenters, I've been of the opinion that Davina McCall is a liablility since at least BB4 (the Federico interview springs to mind). Gurning for the camera and asking such cutting-edge questions of the evictees as "where did you buy your boots", bizarrely feting some dull-as-ditchwater housemates while displaying open hostility towards others - these are Davina's trademarks, and by golly, do they make for an irritating show. Give the main show to a clearly bored and disillusioned Dermot O'Leary, and send McCall off to do more marvellous hair dye adverts (watermelon red, that's her favourite). And as for Russell Brand, Big Brother's Big Mouth isn't so much about the Endemol encampment as an excuse for his increasingly tired routines. For thsoe who haven't seen the show, here's a condensed version -

such-as-such's opinions are so whatever - pulled down my trousers and pants - cut off guest mid sentence - quick spin - ballbags - sit on someone's knee - little Paul Scholes - bwye luvoo luvoo - nice to condescend the audience, 'citing - the swines!

But never mind, there's not long to go now, and hopefully the Fickle British Public will realise that Aisleyne is a nice person and a damn good BB contestant, Davina will have an extended career break after her latest pregnancy, and Mr Brand will work out some new schtick for next year.

The End Is Nigh?

Is it National Take The Grandkids To The Park Day, or are there just a large number of pensioner IVF couples and/or kidnapping geriatric paedophiles round my way?

On the subject of old folks, I had a birthday on Sunday, and my age is starting to catch up with me. Not so very long ago, I was being accused of looking 19 (and I was only 18 at the time as well, boom tish), but I think it's safe to say those days are past. Nasty little lines are starting to appear around my eyes, and years of retail fake-smiling have resulted in creases around the mouth (not on a Billie Piper scale, but then I don't have hamster cheeks and a gob the size of a small country either...). I think I'd better hunt out the moisturiser again.

So I'm doomed, but what about humanity? That's what Stephen Hawking wanted to know, and he's given his own solution now too: in summary, "er, I don't know, let's all go to space!". Yep, that's a good idea, if you make one planet uninhabitable, just bugger off to another one. Naughty humans, if you don't stop polluting, there'll be no pudding for you! Personally I rather liked the solution a listener to BBC Five Live's Drive show yesterday came up with - the way to save humankind is via a Blue Peter Appeal (and perhaps sticky-backed plastic could be utilised to patch the ozone layer together).